A Million Ways To Die In The Future
by GodzillaMan1000
Summary: A Million Ways To Die In The West Story. Jelsa story set post-apocalyptic future. MAJOR AU!) Jack and brother Kristoff live in terrible place in time. Everything that wasn't them wants to kill them.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 is here people. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: The Ultimate Fucked Up Apocalypse**

Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the post-apocalyptic future of 2029. This all started with one dumbass thing leading to another dumbass thing. Mother Nature herself decided to be a bitch and a sore loser and decided to throw a bitchy fit. She threw everything she could shit out of her ass at us. Tornados, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanoes, thunderstorms, and hurricanes. Then she decided to be "creative" and do combos. Fire tornados, blizzard tornados, earthquake volcanoes, and shit ton of other shit. Then finally she farted out a big fucking meteor at us. Wiping out the whole population. Mother Nature laughed and boasted about her "victory" but then she noticed most of us were still alive. We got away with the last laugh by laughing and her and flipping the bitch off. And of course she left crying.

But the Earth was pretty much fucked at this point. So in order to preserve the human race scientist turned to their research for a way to coupe with harsh environment, and of course they succeeded. But they acted to hastily and used their little experiment without an actual test run and something bad happened. They unleashed a zombie virus. The virus spread like wild fire and reduced the population of billions to millions. So the last remaining scientist desperately made a counter measure. Robots. But of course acting like the idiots they are they didn't test run it. They let the machines loose to combat the zombies. But of course something went wrong and they turned on their creators and, for a lack of a better term "terminated" them. They soon got loose and reduced the population of million to thousands. Fuck you Ozymandias, you suck!

Now years later we as species now live in what fanfiction obsessed nerds consider to be the ultimate post-apocalyptic paradise. Fucking retarded dead shits! Think of it as Five Nights at Freddy's + The House of the Dead x 100. Jesus Christ! A hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was President Obama back in 2009 and here he is back in 2016. Holy Shit.

To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. See, there are three kinds of people; dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone will get along, while dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes. And all assholes ever want to do is shit all over everything. So pussies my get mad and dicks every once in awhile because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. The dicks and the assholes who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered, while some men were just big giant pussies.

And this is the story of a dick and a pussy. But both these men have complete contradictions to themselves. Jackson Overland Frost and his brother Kristoff Bjorman Frost. Jack is a dick, but a deflated one like a balloon. He is depressed and bored man that thinks everything is pointless and boring as shit. Kristoff on the other hand is built in man that can take anyone out in one punch, but he's a big fucking coward. He's a pussy. These boys love each other as family goes and they look out for each other.

You see humanity finally decided to man and woman the fuck up, grow some balls and parade their vaginas and come together to survive. They all built a save haven for humanity and for awhile they lived in prosperous harmony. A new government was established and a defense force was formed to combat the zombies and machines. But as anyone can imagine the long and prosperous time was diminished and replaced by dicks, pussies and assholes.

* * *

Out in Safe Haven City Square, stood a really mean looking man. This man is an asshole. His name is Big Yama. He was waiting for a certain dick to meet him in a fight. The large crowd gathered together at the square to see this fight. Apparently town fights are all the rage now. This certain dick was none other than Jackson Overland Frost himself. Apparently his cats and dogs accidently shat on Yama's lawn. Frost did clean up the mess, but Yama was too big of an asshole and got greedy so demanded money. But since Jack didn't have it, Yama immediately challenged him to a gun fight.

"Well, well." Yama said. "Surprised you showed up, Frost."

"Yeah, well, you said you would kill my family and burn my house down if I didn't, so..." Jack said trembling in his sneakers.

"Draw!" Yama shouted.

"Is there anything at all that I can say to get you to call this off?" Jack shuttered trying to reason with him.

"Pussy as always, Frost." Yama criticized. "Draw, you son of a bitch!"

"Look, I just feel like if we can talk this out, you know, we can find a calm, rational solution and maybe we even laugh about it one day." Jack continued to try and reason.

"I ain't in the mood to laugh, Frost!" Yama shouted.

"Look, there's always humor in any..." Jack said. "Oh, hey, look. This will make you laugh. Look at our shadows. It looks like our shadows are about to kiss each other. Look at that. Oh, wait, watch this." Jack then took his two fingers to make a shadow dick. Bad idea. "Oh, my God, Yama. Oh, my God." Jack laughed. "Thank you! This is so generous of you. Oh, wow! This is... What a terrific guy you are. We barely know each other, but, hey, when it's right, it's right, huh? I'll give you a little tap on the hat when I'm good to go, okay?" Even his good friends, Hiccup Haddock Horrendous the 3rd, his brother Kristoff E. Aster Bunnymund, and his wife Thoothiana were giggling too. "Look, we're laughing, right? We're laughing now. What were we even fighting about? I can't remember. Can you?" But Yama's response was a gunshot to Jack. Jack jumped in fright.

"Your goddamn dogs shat on my lawn, Frost." Yama spat. "That grass ain't never gonna be the same again!"

"All right, look. How about this? I'll pay you the money you lost, okay? Just give me two days to sell off a few of my sheep and I'll get you the money." Jack offered.

"All right. Just two days." Yama agreed. "If I don't have that cash, I'm coming after ya." Yama warned.

"Okay, great. Thank you so much for your patience. I really appreciate it." Jack sighed in relief. "And what a relief for all these people who came out here hoping that we would find an amicable solution to this, huh?"

"Aw, somebody shoot some fucker!" Someone shouted disappointed.

"I took a half-day off work for this!" Jack's English Teacher shouted too.

"Okay, I just want to point out that guy's an English teacher at our school." Jack pointed out. Yama shot another bullet, grazing Jack's leg.

"Just a little taste." Yama said as he walked away. And soon the crowd walked away disappointed. Jack's friends felt bad for Jack and were worried about him. Even his brother.

"You okay, Jack?" Kristoff said with worry."

"Yeah. Yeah. Just-OW!- Just a scratch." Jack groaned.

"Maybe you should let Doctor North look at that."

"Are you shitting me? Go to that crazy Russian?" Jack said with shock.

"Well he's the only doctor around." Kristoff said. Jack groaned from the mere thought of it.

* * *

You're probably wondering why Jack dreads seeing Doctor North? Doctor Nicholas St. North is Safe Haven's doctor. Now that sounds good, except for the fact that he's… well… crazy.

"Nothing too bad." North said looking at Jack's wound. "Just apply some pencil lead and you'll be fine by tomorrow."

"Wait what!?"

See?

* * *

Meanwhile out in the ONLY grassy plane inside the whole inner walls, Jack and his girlfriend Rapunzel were enjoying a nice picnic date.

"I mean, that should have been the end of it, right?" Jack said to Rapunzel. "I mean, I tell him I'll pay him off, we go our separate ways, and that's it. But, no, he shoots me in the fucking leg. I mean, it's just a graze, but come on, look at that." But Rapunzel was looking at her boyfriend with disappointment. "What?"

"You should have fought him." Rapunzel said.

"I should have fought him? You're serious." Jack said looking at her with disbelief. "Louise! My God! The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him."

"What is that?"

"It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us." Jack answered. "But, look, it would have been suicide to fight that guy."

"Jack, I'm breaking up with you." Rapunzel said bluntly. This took Jack by surprise as he reacted in shock.

"What?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"I got shot today."

"I know."

"Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a sec." Jack started. "Rapunzel, where is this coming from? Is this because of the gunfight?"

"No, I've actually been feeling this way for a while." Rapunzel answered. "You're a great guy. I just... I realized that I want something else."

"Something else? Rapunzel, it's been a year and a half!" Jack said. "Look, I know I'm just a dog trainer, but I'm saving money..."

"Yeah, but you're not even a good dog trainer, Jack." Rapunzel retorted. "Your dogs are everywhere. The one thing a dog trainer has to do is keep all of his dogs in one place, all right. I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the backyard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond, and one on the roof."

"Okay, that's Sophie, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love." Jack explained. "Look, we're getting off track here, all right? Why don't you just tell me what the problem is and then maybe I can fix it?"

"Maybe if I were older, the timing would be right. But people are living to be 35 these days and a girl doesn't have to just go off and get married right away. I just, I have to... I have to work on myself."

"Oh, my God. You did not just say that." Jack groaned.

"What?"

""I have to work on myself."" Jack quoted mockingly. "Rapunzel, that's the oldest line in the book. You realize that. You know what, it's okay, though. It's all right. I know why you're saying it. It's because you don't want to tell me that I'm the problem." Jack wasn't wrong. Though he might have made it worse.

"Goodbye, Jack." Rapunzel said. She then got up and walked away.

"Goodbye? Wait. Rapunzel. Rapunzel!" Jack called. "I love you."

"I'm sorry." Rapunzel said. And that was the last time Jack would ever see of his now ex-girlfriend for a while. Jack was now all alone and sad.

* * *

 **And there we have it! Chapter 1! I think I did and ok job on this, but I want you people to be the judge of it. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: A** **Terrible Place and Time**

Meanwhile out at a local Bar/Tavern/Brothel called the BTB, Hiccup was waiting in the bar for his two girlfriends. Yes! You heard right! Hiccup has TWO girlfriends. One is a blonde girl named Astrid Hofferson and the other is a red curly haired girl named Merida DunBroch. How did Hiccup get to be a lucky son of a bitch? You see, the three were childhood friends alongside Jack and Kristoff. Unknown to Hiccup both Merida and Astrid had a crush on him and as they grew up they both fell in love with him. Snotlout tried winning her over but Astrid wasn't interested. So of course Snotlout finds interest in Ruffnut, which resulted in a love triangle with Fishlegs. But Ruffnut didn't take any notice because she had an interest with Eret, son of Eret. Okay that last part was fucking retarded. Seriously! Was Junior too big to fit!?

Okay, okay getting of track here. Anyway when Astrid finally confessed to Hiccup, he of course was surprised, but happy. Merida however was sad and disappointed, but she backed off. Astrid noticed how her best friend was giving her the cold shoulder. So when Astrid confronted her about Merida confessed that she was in love with Hiccup and didn't want to intervene and run their relationship. Astrid then decided since they both love Hiccup and each other they could share him. Hiccup was shocked by this but he did confessed that he loved both girls and didn't know how to decided between them. But too his surprise both girls shared him and their love.

As of right now, Merida and Astrid were having lesbian sex together up stairs in the one of the brothel bedrooms. Reasons why is because they want to save themselves for after they get married to Hiccup. Of course their moaning was really loud that even the jukebox music wasn't loud enough.

"Hi, Hiccup." Called Toothiana.

"Hi, Tooth. Hey Buuny." Hiccup greeted.

"You waiting for Astrid and Merida?" Bunny guessed.

"Yeah, I got off work early, so I thought I'd take them out for a picnic." Hiccup nodded.

"It sounds like they are just about done up there." Bunny guessed again.

"Dear?" Tooth said in a warning tone.

"What?" Bunny said innocently.

"Do I look okay?" Hiccup asked.

"Yeah, you look good." Bunny said. "You look good."

"Oh, good." Hiccup sighed in relief.

"Say, Hiccup, do you mind if I ask you something?" Tooth asked.

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"You're okay with your girlfriends screwing each other every day and getting paid to do it?"

"Well, my job sucks, too."

"I know. But, I mean, you repair shoes." Bunny interjected.

Speaking of which let's see where the girls are in the bead room.

* * *

Both Merida and Astrid were both stripped down naked and on top of each other. Astrid on top, while Merida was lying on her back on the bed. Both girls were kissing each other roughly and passionately, moaning to their bare skin contact. Astrid was fingering her best friend's pussy really hard, really fast, and REALLY god. So good that Merida was moaning like her life depended on it.

"Yeah! Oh, come on, come on!" Astrid growled with raving hungry lust while fingering Merida's vagina.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Merida moaned.

"You like me fucking you, don't you?" Astrid said.

"I do. It's really terrific." Merida moaned.

"Yeah! Oh! Ah! Yeah!" Astrid yelled.

"Oh! I'm think I'm going to cum!" Merida cried.

"Let's cum together!" Astrid said.

"Yes!" Merida cried. Both girls once again kiss each other roughly and passionately, moaning as they fingering each other wet pussies really hard, really fast, and REALLY god. "I'm gonna cum!"

"Me too! I'm cumming!" Astried cried. Both girls cried out in pure pleasure. Their vagina's squirting their orgasm juice like fresh water. Both girls panted and breathed heavily from their little sexual activity. "That. Was. Amazing. As always."

"Yes it sure was." Merida giggled. "I think that's a new record." Merida then sighed dreamingly. "I can't wait to be married and have sex with both you and Hiccup.

"Me too, love." Astrid smiled and kissed Merida passionately on the lips.

Now, let's be honest. You boys were getting a boner while ready this, weren't you. I know I was.

* * *

After the girls got dressed in their casual clothing they walked out of the bedroom and saw their lovable boyfriend Hiccup.

"Hiccup!" Merida gasped in joy.

"Hey babe!" Astrid called out.

"Hey Girls." Hiccup smiled sincerely at his two girlfriends.

"What are you doing here?" Astrid asked.

"Well, I got off work early and I thought we could go for a walk by the stream." Hiccup said.

"Oh that's so nice of you." Merida smiled.

"Here, I got you some flowers." Hiccup offered.

"They're beautiful!" Merida smiled widely.

"Yeah, come on." Astrid said.

"Don't we have the best boyfriend, Tooth? Bunny?" Merida said to the married couple.

"Honestly, I have no fucking idea." Tooth said.

"Bye!" Both Girls said. And the lovely couple left. 'couple' being the operative word.

"I will never have any fucking idea how that kid got two girlfriends." Bunny said. "I don't know if he's the luckiest man alive or the dumbest man alive. I mean companionship has always been about two lovers. Three lovers would mean a third wheel."

"Oh dear." Tooth giggled and wrapped her arms around her husband. "Let them be, and focus on me." She said giving him a peck on his lips.

"How can I refuse?" Bunny smirked.

* * *

Meanwhile Jack was driving back to his house all depressed from the break up. Kristoff was already home taking care of the massive pack of dogs in the backyard. Yet despite the fact that he has a Camaro, and a pretty shitty looking one, his life still sucks. Rolling up into the driveway he sees a dog on the roof. It was Sophie.

"Oh, shit." Jack sighed in frustration.

Jack walked into the house still all depressed when he was greeted by his parents. His adoptive parents.

"You're late." His father said.

"For what?" Jack asked.

"Fair enough." He shrugged. As you can imagine his adoptive family is… for a lack of a better word… shitty. Jack groaned as he walked to his room. He plopped himself on his bed, and real shitty looking one.

"Hey Jack…" Greeted a familiar voice. Jack turned to see his little sister Emma.

"Hey, little angel." Jack smiled a little. The two sibling hugged each other.

"Big brother Kristoff is in the back."

"I'll take over his shift." Jack said standing up. "Want to help me."

"Yes, please." She nodded. "Jack is something the matter?"

"I'll tell you guys later."

"Okay."

* * *

Later that night, Jack explained it to his two siblings. Kristoff then called over Hiccup, Merida, and Astrid to help Jack with his depressed state. Hiccup drove his car and parked outside of Jack's house.

"Jack." Hiccup called.

"Hey, guys." Jack said.

"We heard about Rapunzel. That's horrible." Hiccup said with sympathy.

"We're so sorry, Jack." Merida said.

"Do you want to sit down?" Jack offered. Hiccup nodded and sat next to his best friend.

"I'm good. I'm gonna rest my asshole." Astrid said.

"Thanks for coming you guys." Kristoff said.

"No. Anything for our friends. We have to stick together in these dark times." Merida said.

"What are those, Jack?" Hiccup asked.

"I was just looking at these old pictures of me and Rapunzel." Jack said flipping through the photos. "This is from the carnival. There's the town picnic. This is the square dance."

"I remember those days." Hiccup said.

"But, it's just, you know, I've been sitting here trying to figure out how the hell I could have screwed this up." Jack said with sadness. "I did everything for her. If she was happy, I was happy. That's all I cared about. And she was the one thing that made the shootings, and the diseases, and the wild animals, and the zombies, the robots, and the general depressing awfulness about the apocalypse bearable." Jack sighed. "God, I love her so much."

"You're gonna make me cry." Merida said.

"Let's get fucked up." Jack said.

"Yeah." Hiccup agreed. So they all got up and went driving in their cars to the city square at BTB.

* * *

At BTB Jack sat with his friends Hiccup, Merida, Astrid, Bunny, Tooth, and Sandy, still all depressed. Even drowning all his sorrows in beat didn't help.

"So, what are you gonna do?" Hiccup asked.

"Uh... I don't know what I'm gonna do. Commit suicide, maybe." Jack said.

"But you can't do that! You're my brother! And Emma will be sad without you!" Kristoff said all in shock.

"I know Kris. I'm sorry." Jack apologized.

"Jack, I know everything seems hopeless right now, but I promise you, there's so much to live for." Tooth said.

"Yeah, she's right." Bunny said. "You could do community service selling propane and propane accessories."

"Or me and Merida could hook you up with a beautiful girl to fuck and have sex with every 24/7." Astrid offered.

"Yeah she's right. Sex is the best stress reliever." Merida said. "Oh! Maybe me and Astrid could show you."

"Yeah my girlfriends are experts when it comes to sex." Hiccup said.

"You see Jack, there are some things to live for." Bunny said. Jack however wasn't convinced.

"Really? Is there?" Jack asked with annoyance. "What is there to live for in the post-apocalyptic future of 2029? Huh? Look, let me tell you something. We live in a terrible place and time. The post-apocalyptic future is a disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place. Look around you. Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you. Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases, major and minor injuries, zombies, robots, the weather. You can get killed just going to the bathroom. Me and my siblings take our lives in our hands every time we walk out to the bathroom. There's fucking rats and hornets all in the walls and floors. Even murderous raping burglars. And even if I make it, you know what can kill me? Cholera. You know cholera?"

"The Black Shit." Hiccup shuttered in fear.

"The Black Shit. The latest offering in the reoccurring disease-of-the-month club." Jack stated. "And even if you survive all those things, you know what else can kill you? The fucking doctor. The doctor can kill you. I had a cold a couple of years ago. I went in there. And of course they took all these long ass tests to see that I wasn't infected with the zombie virus. But when we finally finish, you know what he said to me? He goes, "Oh, you need an head screw." A screw in my fucking head. That is modern medicine for you. "Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102." "Oh, you need a car ramin'."" Jack mockingly said. "You know our priest has killed people? Our priest.

"No, no." Astrid said shaking her head, unconvinced.

"No." Hiccup did too.

"That's impossible." Bunny said.

"Holy people don't kill." Tooth said.

"Honest to whatever fucking God out there. Shot a guy in a in a confession booth, just because he was an atheist. The he went to the man's home and burned his entire family in a house fire while they were asleep, because he was afraid they would kill him out of revenge and he thought they were spawns of the devil." Jack explained.

"Wait, how do you know that?" Hiccup asked.

"Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it!" Jack answered. "Hell, he posted about it on his Facebook. A lesson about seeing things through. But of course that was a stupid idea, because he was eventually found out and his death sentence was being eaten alive by zombies outside the wall. The priest was crying in fear so much you could practically smell him pissing his pants. And of course everyone laughed when he died crying as he was being eaten alive." Jack explained. "By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day. Do you know why? Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poisoned gas, 12 hours a day, down in the mines. That's all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts."

And Jack wasn't kidding. One guy stood up after finishing his meal, let out a fart, then all of a sudden he died instantly. Holy shit that's fucked up.

"And, oh, oh, you want to see more death? All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door." Jack said getting up. His friends followed him.

* * *

Jack lead his friends outside the BTB to show them a dead body lying in a small ally in the street.

"That is our president. Donald Trump." Jack pointed. "Yes! Apparently America was THAT stupid and retarted to vote for a childish asshole as president. And you know what makes him worse, besides him being a racist power hungry prick reincarnation of Adolf Hitler? Well HE'S the one that started the apocalypse! Yes! HE is the idiot that started everything that is happening around us! HE unleashed the virus! HE unleashed the robots! ALL of that without using the slightest bit of intelligence. NOW people were desperately stupid to elect him as the president of Safe Haven City! But do you know the good news? He is dead. The world is finally free of his stupidity and shit. But here's the bad news. He was our president of Safe Haven. NOW he is dead. He has been lying there, dead, for three days. No one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not to check if he was infected with the zombie virus, not to check if he was infected with the robot virus, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest-ranking official in our city has been a dead guy." Jack finished. "Oh! Look at that! Look at that! Zombies are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye, Donald Trump! Bye! Have fun becoming Zombie shit! Bye! God!"

* * *

Back in BTB…

"And that, my friends, is the post apocalyptic future." Jack concluded. "A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair, and fuck all of it."

"Why don't you shut up?" Snotlout complained.

"You shut up!" Jack retorted. Bad idea as Jack was throne through a window out of the BTB.

* * *

Outside, Tooth and Bunny dragged out Snotlout, whom THEY beaten up and through him to the curve. Jack was still drinking bear outside while his friends were trying to heal him.

"Ow! Merida. Jesus Christ. Stop it." Jack said cringing in pain.

"Okay, fine." Merida said. "At least have Dr. North take a look at it tomorrow."

"If you could hear yourself right now." Jack laughed sarcastically. "You know what's gonna happen if I go to Dr. North and I say, "Take a look at that"? He's gonna say, "Oh, that looks like it hurts. "Let me give you a woodpecker to peck out the blood."

"Okay. I think you had enough beer for tonight." Kristoff said. "let's get you back home in bed."

"That's a great idea." Jack said, clearly plastered.

"Hey, hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and drive." Hiccup said.

"I'll drive him." Kristoff said. He helped poor drunk Jack into the passenger seat and Kristoff took the driver's seat. Kristoff then drove jack home. His friends really hoped Jack would recover.

* * *

 **Chapter 2 complete! Don't worry, Jelsa fans. We're going to introduce Elsa and Anna in the next chapter. Just stay tuned for more. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Meet Some People**

Meanwhile out in the dead vast wastelands, zombies roam around and robots patrol and fly. Both immortal sides are in constant war with each other. So much so, that it's practically a sport now. FYI the robots are winning. No fucking shit. Though the zombies and robots still find humans to convert into one of their own kind.

On this particular sunny day, if you could even call it that, was an old man lying on the ground dead. Yet it wasn't a zombie or robot that killed him. No it was a man. The most vicious criminal in the entire United States territory. He even kills robots and zombies for sport. His name is Kozmotis Pitchiner Black. Pitch Black for short.

"God damn." Hans chuckled. "He would've given you the gold."

"I know." Pitch smirked. "The point is I had to ask him twice. I'm a busy man with a schedule."

"Hey, Pitch." Hans called. "Take a look." Pitched walked over to Hans holding the map they took from the dead old man's body. "You'd lose half a day going through Bullhead."

"Farquad, Slim and Gaston will drive with me." Pitch instructed. "We'll take Bilbee Pass to Sherman Creek Trail. And make no mistake about the kind of heat we're going to draw after we take that stage. Hans, you take Tai Lung, Shen, and Kai and drive east and hole up here in, uh, Safe Haven." Pitch instructed. "You got that? We'll let things cool for a wee bit and then we'll come for you in 12 days."

"You got it boss." Hans said.

"What about the Arendelle sisters?" Gaston asked.

"Yeah. Are we still hunting them, boss?" Kai asked.

"Of course. After all a hunter never abandons his prey." Pitch smiled sinisterly. Pitch and the rest of his gang followed through the plan and split up in different direction towards the same location.

Little did they realize that Pitch's "prey" was spying on them from afar. The two sisters in question was a platinum blonde and a strawberry blonde. Elsa and Anna Arendelle. Their parents were killed by Pitch, yet Pitch spared the sisters simply out of sport. Pitch enjoys toying with people's lives as if it were hunting.

"God damn it, Pitch!" Elsa growled. "You didn't have to shoot him!"

"Elsa. We have to keep moving." Anna said.

"I know." Elsa sighed. "The sooner we reach Safe Haven first, the better."

"Olaf! Come on, boy. Come on, Olaf. Come on! Yeah!" Anna called over to a Dalmatian.

"Good boy! Let's go!" Elsa said. The two sister snuck back to their car and drove off.

* * *

 _A week and a half later._

Meanwhile back at the Overland neighborhood house, Jack walked out of his room still in his pajamas and messy silver hair.

"Well, look who's up at 2:00 in the afternoon." His adoptive dad sarcastically said. Jack just laughs sarcastically back as a retort. "There's still some pig ass and sweet cream there if you want it."

"I'm gonna use the bathroom. Um... If I die in there, will you guys just do me one favor? Just once, I want you to switch seats." Jack requested.

"Fuck off."

"Okay." Just then the door bell rang.

"I'll get it." Emma said. She ran along to the door and opened it to reveal Hiccup. "Hi Hiccup!"

"Hey, Emma." Hiccup smiled. "Is Jack here?"

"I am." Jack said walking to the door. "Ah, Hiccup, hey. What's going on?"

"Oh, my God. Jack, you look terrible!" Hiccup said in shock.

"Oh, wow, there's that confidence boost I need. Thanks a lot. How you doing, buddy?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"Well, honestly, I'm a little worried about you. I haven't seen you in town in a week and a half and, you know, it seems like you're just staying in and sleeping all day." Hiccup said.

"No, I don't stay home all day. I go out." Jack stammered. "You know what I did on Tuesday? I went out to Big Yama's house and I paid him the money I owe him so he won't shoot me in the fucking face. I did that. That's going out.

"Well, that's not really what I'm talking about." Hiccup said.

"Okay, look. Here's the truth, all right?" Jack said. "I just feel like I need to stay here with my parents. They're not gonna be around much longer and I just want to be able to give back all the love and affection that I got growing up." Jack then turned to his parents. "You know? Right, guys?"

"Ow!" His dad said after he farted.

"Oh, you getting the fart needles again, Dad?" Jack said.

"Never mind what I'm getting!"

"I love him so much!" Jack laughed sarcastically.

"Jack, I know you're taking this breakup really hard, and I understand, but you got to get out of this funk. I mean, you haven't taken care your dogs in weeks." Hiccup said pointing to the backyard.

And he wasn't kidding. The back yard had a stinking pile of week old daog shit. What the fuck!?

"Look, you don't know what this is like, all right. With all due respect, you have no fucking clue what this is like. All right? You're going home every night to your girlfriends who love you. Okay? You are the luckiest guy I know. Because you have two, count them TWO girlfriends who love you and share you. I mean in real life that would be illegal and unethical, but you're lucky to be living the Spartan life of polygamy." Jack explained. "You're having sex with them, and you-"

"Ah... No, Merida and Astrid and I have... We've never done that." Hiccup interrupted.

"What do you mean you've... You've never had sex with Merida and Astrid?" Jack guessed.

"Yeah. No, no. Yeah." Hiccup said.

"Wait, don't the have lesbian sex with each other every day at the whorehouse?" Jack asked.

"On a slow day, yeah."

"But you guys have never had sex?"

"No. No, Merida and Astrid want to wait until we get married. You know, they're Christian and so am I, and we want to save ourselves for our wedding night." Hiccup explained.

"Hiccup, have you... Have you ever had sex with anyone?" Jack asked.

"Well, there was some shit with my dad, but that was... You know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff."

"You know, yeah, you're right." Jack nodded. "Things could be a lot worse. Yeah. Um, I'll get out, I'll meet some people. Yeah, thanks."

"Okay." Hiccup nodded too. But their little friendly moment was interrupted by his dad farting. Then game a plopping sound. The sound of shit.

"Ow! That came out of my penis!" Good fucking God! Who shits out their penis!?

* * *

Out in town, people were driving along the streets in their cars, people walking to and fro about with their little affairs. Children playing with hoops like in the old west.

"Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately." Hiccup said.

"I know. Me, too." Jack said. "Who the fuck plays with hoops anymore? It's got to be bad for their brains, right?"

"Yeah, it stunts their attention span." Kristoff said. "I read an article in the paper."

"Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day." Hiccup said.

"Yep."

"Oh, by the way, my job I work at is delivering the town's ice shipment today." Kristoff said. "You want to go watch?"

"Oh, yeah, that'd be fun." Hiccup said.

"Yeah! Yeah. It's always a thrill when you get to see that much ice all in one place." Jack said.

"Yeah, I think so, too. I'm really excited." Hiccup said.

"Hiccup, Kristoff, look, look." Jack said pointing. They all see it was Rapunzel. She seemed to be waiting for someone. And she was. She smiled when she saw the city prince charming. Eugene Flynn Rider Fitzroy. Apparently they became an idem and were now dating. "Holy shit. Fucking Flynn. She told me she didn't want to see anybody. She told me she had to work on herself. Look at that. Oh, my God. Fucking Flynn! The owner of the Goatee Industry. Oh, look at that. He's kissing her."

"He's Frenching her." Hiccup added.

"Passionately." Kristoff added too. "I maybe an love expert, but THAT's just fucking wrong!"

"Fucking Flynn!" Jack groaned.

"Maybe you should grow a Goatee." Hiccup said.

"No, I can't afford it. The creams, the waxes, the lotions. I don't have the money." Jack said. "Fucking Flynn!"

"Hey, Jack, maybe we should just go to church. It'll make you feel a lot better." Kristoff said.

"Nah. Church is not gonna..."

"Oh, hey, look! It's the ice!" Hiccup pointed to the shipment. And it was huge. "Why is it so big?"

"So it doesn't melt." Kristoff answered.

"Oh. That's so neat."

"I know. It's actually really interesting how they do it." Jack said. "It's this one company out in Boston that basically cuts it in big blocks from frozen lakes and ponds, and they just ship it all over the..." Suddenly the chains breaks and drops the ice on top of one of the workers. Crushing his head and killing him instantly. "Oh! Oh..."

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Hiccup cried.

"Holy fucking shit!" Kristoff shouted.

"That went south so fast!" Jack shouted. "Oh! Oh!"

* * *

 **Chapter 3 complete! Just a little introduction and humor before we get into the real story. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Out Old and In New**

After that mental scarring moment Jack decided to take his brother's advise and go to church just ease his mind. But Jack is an atheist so he doesn't really go to church unless it's for a big announcement. Well today they had a big announcement.

"And make no mistake, my children. There shall be swift and righteous justice on all free grazers. No more shall they nibble wantonly at the teat of our coffers." Gobber quoted from the bible to the people. "And that's just exactly like that part in the Bible that applies to that situation. I would also like to offer a heartfelt prayer to the family of Philip Rose, who was killed this morning while unloading the ice shipment. Philip, we will think of you lovingly this July as we sip the cold summer beverages for which you gave your life."

"They're still gonna use the fucking ice." Jack whispered with annoyance.

"Oh that's just great. Use the ice that killed a man." Kristoff said with the same attitude.

"And another unfortunate accident happened during the same time Philip was crushed to death. His With Aurora Briar Rose died." Gobber informed. "May they reunite up in heaven in God's warming embrace."

"I couldn't save her." North sniffled with tears.

"She had a slinter in her foot, doc. What the hell were you suppose to do?" Jack criticized. I don't know but we NOW know HOW she died. Good job doc, good fucking job. Twat!

Now, before we end this morning's service, I would like to welcome two new members to our community. Elsa and her sister, Anna." Gobber said pointing to the two sisters in the seats. . The two sisters in question was a platinum blonde and a strawberry blonde. "They've just moved here to Safe Haven City and they plan to build a life here. They already have the vacant apartment room which the married couple once had and are putting to good use once again. And we wish them all the luck. Well, that concludes today's service. So, may God bless you for another week and there is a mountain lion warning in effect."

* * *

There is a small shop that, despite it's small stature, was a huge success around America. Or at least what's left of it ever since the apocalypse. The Goatee Industry, known as Goat-T. Yeah I know, I hate the name too. Run by Eugene Flynn Rider Fitzroy. Of fuck it! We're calling him Flynn!

Anyway Rapunzel comes to lovingly greet her boyfriend.

"Hi." Rapunzel smiled warmingly.

"Hey, you." Flynn smirked. The two lovebirds hold each other close like a trope couple. Gross.

"So, the fair's coming up... and I was thinking that we could go dress shopping later." Rapunzel suggested.

"I was thinking you need a new dress." Flynn said.

"Something expensive?" Rapunzel gasped in delight.

"Stupidly expensive!"

"Okay." Rapunzel giggled. And the two love birds kissed. Oh get a room you tow fuck birds! Unfortunately Jack walked in on them. Fortunately Jack just pretended to ignore them and just started to browse around the shop.

"Oh, Jesus. Wow." Rapunzel sighed in annoyance at the sight of her ex-boyfriend.

"Hi, Jack." Flynn said smug and cocky.

"Hm?" Jack pretended to react. "Oh, hello."

"What's up, kiddo? Never seen you in here before."

"Just browsing." Jack shrugged.

"Yeah. You don't have a goatee, though." Flynn pointed out.

"No, I know. I was thinking about growing one."

"I'm sorry, I can't..." Flynn pretended like he didn't hear.

"I said I was thinking about growing one." Jack indulged.

"Oh."

"Excuse me, I have to use the powder room." Rapunzel said glaring at Jack, not wanting to see him in her sites.

"And just what kind of goatee are you looking to grow?" Flynn asked Jack.

"Um, a sharp one. Literally a sharp one." Jack said.

"Yeah. Um... You should know that kind of moustache is a very costly facial accessory." Flynn informed.

"Yeah, I know that."

"Well, you're a dog trainer."

"Let me ask you something. You feel good about what you're doing?" Jack asked.

"What exactly am I doing?" Flynn asked.

"Stealing a guy's girlfriend. That's what you're doing. You feel good about that?" Jack hissed.

"Hey, Rapunzel dumped you, my friend. It's not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer. I can give her a lavish home. Warm blankets, wrapped candies. Can you say the same, Albert? Can you give Rapunzel wrapped candies?" Flynn asked daringly with a smug look.

"You know what? Fuck you, man." Jack hissed and glared.

"Yeah, that's what she's doing." Flynn smirked. Jack growled and violently left the shop.

* * *

Meanwhile at BTB, Elsa and Anna the Arendelle sisters, both walked into the bar to get some dinner. They both saw some seats and walked over. Merida and Astrid both came out of the bedroom they usually have their lesbian sex session.

"Oh, hey, girls." Hiccup said smiling

"Hi!" Merida said running up to him and kissing him.

"Hey, tough guy." Astrid said walking over and kissing him too. "Wow! What a long day!"

"Oh, what happened?" Hiccup said all curious.

"Oh, gosh! Well, like, this one time Astrid smoked a cigar and then ash on her vagina while she's fingering me, and I'm like, "What? Can we do all that?"" Merida explained. All three laughed at the story.

"Hey girls, I've been thinking." Hiccup said blushing red.

"About what?" Astrid asked.

"Well, I love you. Both of you."

"And we, I love you, too." Merida said smiling.

"And we've been together for a long time. Wh-What do you think about us spending the night together?" Hiccup said stuttering blushing redder than before. Both Merida and Astrid reacted in wide-eyed awe.

"You mean having sex?" Merida asked blushing bright red too.

"Maybe not right away, you know? We could maybe lie together for the first couple of times and see how it feels, and then go from there." Hiccup explained.

"But, Hiccup, we're Christians." Astrid reminded.

"I know we're Christians and I want to do the correct thing in the eyes of the Lord." Hiccup assured. "But if we really do love each other, don't you think God would be okay with it?"

"I don't know. I mean, you're talking about pre-marital relations." Merida reminded. Just then Jack walked in looking defeated.

"That's it, I'm out." Jack announced to his friends.

"What?" Hiccup said looking worried.

"I'm done. I'm leaving." Jack said. "I'm going to San Francisco. I heard they have another safe haven city over there so I'm taking my siblings with me."

"What, are you serious? Is it because of Rapunzel?" Hiccup asked in shock.

"Yes, I'm serious. And, yes, it is because of Rapunzel." Jack answered. "I don't know how I lasted this long. I hate this city, I hate everything in it."

"But you can't go!" Astrid said.

"I'm sorry, guys." Kristoff said. "I tried talking to him."

"Well, what am I gonna do? I'm your best friend." Hiccup said.

"I know. That's... That's why I want you to have this." Jack said giving Hiccup a stick.

"Jack, this is your favorite stick." Hiccup said.

"Yeah."

"Then I want you to have this." Hiccup said humbly giving Jack his handkerchief.

"Hiccup, this is your lucky handkerchief." Jack said.

"Yeah."

Over at the bar side of the place, some guys were talking to each other.

"So he said, "Why don't you go blow your own horse?"" Said the tall guy as he laughed. This causes him to accidentally knock against a small guy. "Oh, sorry, man."

"Hey, watch it, pal." The small guys hissed. "I think you owe me a drink, fella."

"The hell I do." The tall guy said glaring back. "You best watch where you stand."

"I don't think you heard me. I'm thirsty."

"Then why don't you go on down the river and take a dunk?"

"Last chance, kid." THAT was the last and biggest mistake the small guy would ever make again. Because the tall guy shot him with his gun and killed him. This started a bar fight.

"Oh, shit!" Jack and Kristoff said in unison.

"Jack, Kristoff, hurry! Get in position!" Hiccup shouted, as the whole bar was in chaos. Everyone was throwing punches and each other, using chairs and bottles to hit, slam and bludgeon each other to death. Merida and Astrid ran back up stares to be safe, while Jack, Kristoff, and Hiccup were pretending to fight just for their safety.

"We got our own thing going on over here." Hiccup said to no one in particular.

"Yeah, nobody needs to get in on this." Jack said too.

"We're both getting hurt pretty badly." Kristoff joined in. The chaos escalated as guns were fired, knives and broken bottles stabbed, and pretty much everything else was killing a lot of people in the bar. The whores, sluts, and prostitutes also got involved with cat fights of slapping and nail digging. Hurting the guys, the guys slapping the girls.

"Nobody needs to come over here." Jack said.

"This fight is way more violent than yours..." Kristoff next.

"All those other guys' fights." Hiccup too. Limbs were being torn up and broken. Blood was gushing everywhere. Tooth and Bunny were firing guns and throwing punches at the chaos.

"You fuckers take this outside!" Tooth shouted, while firing her guns.

"You know you're hot when you get angry." Bunny smirked punching some guys.

"Getting turned on are we?" Tooth smirked back.

"Are you?"

"Very!"

"How about tonight?"

"Rock my world!"

"I'm going to fuck your brains out." The two kissed each other while firing their guns at the chaos. Elsa and Anna just stood by and watched unimpressed, while also drinking beer. Hiccup then accidentally hit Jack.

"Ow!" Jack reacted.

"Oh my gosh!" Hiccup gawked in shock.

"Oh shit!" Kristoff too.

"You actually hit me!" Jack said staring in shock.

"I'm so sorry."

"You fucker!" Jack growled.

"Hiccup, what the hell is wrong with you!?" Kristoff criticized.

"I put a new move in there." Hiccup explained.

"You don't just put a new move in. That's why we have the meetings." Jack said. The chaos was still going. "That's where it hurts. Like, right there. Like, right underneath my eye." Jack pointed.

"Yeah, there's a little red spot." Hiccup noticed.

"Ow! Careful, it's tender." Jack reacted. The fighting continued and the boys still pretended to fight. That is until Jack and Kristoff noticed noticed Elsa and Anna were about to meet trouble. Without thinking or with any slight of hesitation, both Jack and Kristoff ran to rescue them. Just in time, both boys grabbed the girls out of the way, before the top floor came crumbling down on them.

"Whoa! That was close!" Anna said.

"Sure was." Kristoff said.

"Thank you." Elsa said in awe.

"Sure." Jack said. Just then gunshots could be heard it was sheriff Woody and Buzz to the rescue. "Shit. Come on." Both boys quickly pulled the girls away from the BTB and out onto the sidewalks.

"Sorry about that. It's kind of a regular occurrence around here." Kristoof said.

"Really?" Anna asked in shock.

"Yeah."

"Hey, pretty fast hands back there." Anna complimented.

"Uh, thanks." Jack said.

"I guess you're real heroes." Elsa complimented.

"Us? No, We're not the heroes." Jack said modestly. "We're the guys in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt."

"That's who we are." Kristoff agreed.

"Oh." Elsa said.

"Hey, look who's here." Anna smiled with glee at Olaf the Dalmatian dog.

"Who's this?" Kristoff asked.

"This is Olaf." Elsa said.

"Hey, Olaf." Jack smiled and pat Olaf's head. Olaf wagged his tail in response. "I'm Jack, by the way. This my brother, Kristoff."

"Hi!" Kristoff greeted. "Well I'm his adoptive brother."

"I'm Elsa. This my little sister." Elsa introduced.

"Hi!" Anna greeted.

"You guys just got into town?" Jack asked.

"Yeah." Elsa answered.

"Welcome to our awesome town." Kristoff said sarcastically.

"Thanks." Anna said. "We just came out from Sweden."

"Oh, Germany." Jack asked.

"No, it's in Norway." Elsa corrected

"Oh, right. That's annoying and weird."

"Our family wanting a change, so we came out to America looking to build a home."

"Before the apocolypes happened and pretty much fuvked up our lives." Anna added.

"I know what you mean. We live in a small neighborhood about2 miles from here." Kristoff said.

"Really?" Elsa asked.

"Yeah. Training dogs." Jack said.

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Well, that's got to be fulfilling work, though, right?"

"Ah, yeah, it's great. It's like being a babysitter for 150 really psychopathic babies." Jack said. They all share a friendly laugh. Just then Olaf came walking with a foot. "Oh, shit, Olaf!"

"Oh, my God!" Anna gasped in shock.

"Olaf, give it to me." Jack said taking the foot.

"Oh fuck!" Kristoff gawked.

"Jesus, what is that?" Elsa said in shock.

"It's the president." Jack threw Donald Trump's leg and it flew straight into a window, causing a woman to scream. "Oh, shit!" And the four ran for their lives.

* * *

The two groups then decided to split just for safety in case they were being chased. Kristoff walked Anna back to the apparent they were living in.

"Wait! You had a boyfriend?" Kristoff asked.

"Yeah. I was young and it was love at first site only in my eyes." Anna said her life's story. "We've dated for awhile. But then I discovered that he was a playboy ladies man. So I dumped him."

"Wow. I maybe a love expert, but the story you told me was unbelievable."

"I know, right?" Anna giggled. "Here we are."

"This the apartment?" Kristoff asked.

"Yep." Anna said. Thanks for walking me home."

"No problem. Chivalry isn't completely dead, right?"

"Thank whatever God is out there jerking off." Anna agreed. Both laughed together.

"Oh by the way, the fair is coming tomorrow and I was thining me and Jack could give you a tour." Kristoff offered.

"That's sounds fun. Sure." Anna agreed.

"Oaky then, see you tomorrow." Kristoff said.

"Good night." Anna said.

* * *

As for Jack and Elsa they went to the grassy plain. Jack was just finishing telling about his life's story and the events about his break up with Rapunzel that happened up to now.

"So, how did you guys meet?" Elsa asked Jack about Rapunzel.

"Uh, she moved to town a couple years ago to take over the schoolmarm job." Jack answered. "Our old schoolmarm got her throat slit by a fast-moving car."

"Oh, my God!" Elsa reacted.

"Yeah."

"In front of the kids?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah. All of them." Jack said trying to make a cigarette.

"Let me help you." Elsa offered, taking the cigarette.

"That is just painful to watch. And, you know, it's like the whole time we were together I just remember thinking, "How can I possibly be this happy? She likes me now, but one day, she is gonna figure out that she is too good for me." And then one day, she did. I feel like I finally tricked one girl into falling in love with me and then I lost her." Jack explained.

"I think you have this whole thing upside down." Elsa said. "I mean, it sounds like you've bent over backwards for this girl, but what has she given you back?"

"I told you, she allowed me to be happy in a part of the world that is otherwise a living hell." Jack answered.

""Allowed"? Wow." Elsa scoffed and giggled. "That's kind of fucked up that you would use that word. You know that, right?"

"All I know is that there is nothing for me out here if I don't have her." Jack said hopelessly.

"Well, if this Flynn guy is that much of a douche, she'll figure it out if she's smart. Sometimes a girl has to get a few assholes out of her system before she realizes what a good guy looks like." Elsa explained, giving Jack the cigarette

"Maybe." Jack said, lighting up the cigarette and taking a whiff. He coughs instantly. "Ah!"

"You okay?" Elsa asked.

"This is actually my first cigarette ever." Jack confessed.

"Oh, my God." Elsa giggled. "Well, that's one step in the right direction." But just then a Diamondback rattle snake slithers passed them, hissing at them.

"Oh, shit." Jack gasped.

"Diamondback." Elsa gasped too.

"It's a diamondback, yeah." Jack confirmed.

"Fuck."

"It's okay, just hold perfectly still, and it'll go away." Jack advised while holding his breath.

"Okay, okay." The Diamondback started to continue to slither slowly along it's path. "I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?"

"Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Rapunzel is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Flynn. I don't want to put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation." Jack complained.

"Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl." Elsa suggested.

"I don't know."

"Especially a smoking-hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck."

"Oh, you're very modest, I see."

"I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits." Elsa said, which made both of them laugh together, which made the Diamondback hissed in anger. "Oh!"

"Sorry. Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir."

* * *

 **Chapter 4 complete! So the four finally meet each other as I promised. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 5: People Die at the Fair**

Jack and Kristoff drove and parked their car in the fair parking lot to meet up with the sisters. Just then Jack caught site of his dogs out from his house.

"Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no! Guys, no, no, no. Jamie, Pongo, no. Go, go, go. Go home." Jack shooed them and they ran back home.

"Hey, dog boy. Love Expert." Elsa greeted the two, exiting from their car.

"Hey." Jack greeted.

"I take it, Anna told you." Kristoff said bashfully.

"Couldn't resist." Anna giggled.

Okay. Let's hit this fair, because you know what I wanna do?" Elsa said.

"Eat hot food in 100-degree weather?" Jack joked.

"No, get our picture taken. We've never done it before." Anna corrected.

"That's horse shit." Kristoff said.

"No, it's the truth." Anna protested.

"No, that's horse shit." Jack pointed to the ground.

"Whoa! Oh, that is horse shit." Elsa gasped and dodged a literal pile of horseshit. "Okay. All right."

* * *

Out in a desert plain there was the fair. Tents and booths set up all around the compound. Old style games set up along rows, since the apocalypse electronics don't work. Don't ask about the robots. They evolved and that's all you need to know.

Jack, Kristoff, Elsa and Anna stood in line to have their picture taken.

"Okay. Everybody hold still." The cameraman said to a sweet young couple. The instant he pressed the button, he spontaneously combusted and exploded, killing him. The only thing that remained was his arm burning on fire.

"Oh, my God!" Elsa cried in horror.

"Holy shit!" Jack shouted in terror.

"What the FUCK!?" Both Anna and Kritoff shouted in shock. The young couple was burning on fire and screaming in agony. So what is the solution for putting out a fire?

"Hold still!" Woody shouted as he and Buzz fired their guns killing them. Yep! Apparently no body believes in fire extinguishers anymore. So the solution is killing. What the fuck!?

"God! This fucking fair!" Jack growled. "Every year, something like this happens. Every year, people die."

"Really?" Elsa gasped and shock.

"Every year. Last year, there were two gunfights, there was a knife fight, a stage collapsed, there was a drowning, the Zombies attacked and the Robots attacked." Jack listed.

"God, why are the robots always so mad?" Anna asked.

"I don't know." Jack shrugged.

"I mean, we're basically splitting this country 50-50 with them." Elsa said.

"They're just selfish." Kristoff said.

* * *

Okay, so the picture taking is a bust, so the group decided to walk around the fair for something.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up, step right up!" A salesman announced. "Try a sample of... Sirs and madams, may I divert your attention over here just for a moment?" He said calling over to the group. "Welcome, welcome. Can I interest you in a miracle cure?" He said offering a bottle. "I have only the finest healing tonics and elixirs procured from the farthest corners of the globe."

""Ogden's Celebrated Stomach Bitters."" Jack read the bottle. "Can I just ask, celebrated by who? Who's celebrating about stomach bitters?"

"Why would ANYBODY celebrate about stomach bitters?" Kristoff asked.

"God. Look at the ingredients." Elsa pointed at the bottle. ""Cocaine, alcohol, morphine, mercury with chalk." What the hell is "mercury with chalk"?"

"Science!" The salesman said.

"What are you, Dr. Insano now?" Anna said.

"And "red flannel." Red flannel? There's shirt in here?" Kristoff asked.

"Pieces of shirt." The salesman confirmed.

"Okay, thank you very much." Jack smiled a fake smile and left. The others followed. But then Jack stopped and froze in shock at two familiar faces. "Oh, my God."

"What?" Elsa asked.

"That's them. That's them." Jack pointed. It was Rapunzel and Flynn. "Quick, pretend you're gonna take me to the bar to get a few drinks."

"Jack, stop. Stop. Just introduce me. Come on." Elsa urged him, while taking his arm.

"I'm not gonna introduce you..." Jack hissed.

"Oh, hi!" Elsa smiled and greeted the young couple.

"Hey." Jack begrudgingly played along.

"Uh, Flynn and Rapunzel, right?" Elsa asked.

"That's right." Flynn said with charisma.

"Uh, this is Elsa." Jack introduced. "She's..."

"I'm his girlfriend." Elsa said proudly. This caught Jack of guard for a moment.

"She's my girlfriend." Jack played along. Though he was shaking in his sneakers.

"This is my little sister, Anna." Elsa introduced.

"Hello." Anna smiled and waved.

"I have those jeans." Rapunzel pointed.

"Oh, you do?" Elsa said intrigued.

"Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I wore it to the fair, like, two years ago. But good for you for trying to bring it back." Rapunzel said sarcastically, trying to be mean and insult.

"Well, I figure only a complete idiot would throw away a perfectly good thing." Elsa said same manner. BOOM! Oh yeah baby! Elsa is on fire! Eat it bitch, Elsa will murder you! Oh uh, sorry folks I was uh caught in a moment. Anyway on with the story. "We were gonna go check out the shooting gallery over there. You guys wanna join?"

"What?" Jack said in shock.

"Yeah, it'd be fun, right?" Anna said.

"Oh, yes, and let's make things interesting." Flynn offered. "A nickel a target."

"You know, that's actually, uh, a little poor for my blood." Jack said. "Uh, how about a dollar?"

"Or 5 dollars." Flynn said.

"10."

"20."

"20 it is then." Flynn accepted. "Let's go, Punzie. You can cheer me on."

"Okay babe." Rapunzel smiled and giggled.

"Shall we?" Flynn offered. And the two walked towards the shooting gallery.

"Come on." Elsa whispered to Jack and dragged him.

"Wait, wait, no, no." Jack said struggling, but Elsa was too strong.

"Come one, Kris." Anna tugged on him. "Let's watch."

"H-Hey, don't pull so hard." Kris said. Flynn walked up to the shooting gallery spokesman and gave the good man a 20-buck.

"There you are, my good man." Flynn offered.

"Indeed." The spokesman said.

"Oh, wow. That seems unnecessary." Jack said staring at the shooting gallery. It had Zombies and Robots. "What's wrong with ducks or rabbits or something?"

"You can't blame humanity, can you?" Kristoff asked. Flynn prepared himself like the 'gentlemen' he is. The spokesman starts the gallery. Flynn took the gun and fired six shot and a bunch of zombies and robots.

"Six shots, six hits." The spokesman announced Flynn's score. "Quite the marksman!" The spokesman gave Rapunzel a prize. "There you go, ma'am."

"Thank you, baby." Rapunzel said to her boyfriend, Flynn. And the two kiss each other. Good fucking god! GET A FUCKING ROOM!

"Care to try?" Flynn dared with a smirk. Jack looked worried, but Elsa decided to step in.

"Wait. Hang on a sec." Elsa stepped in. "You wanna make this interesting? If I can shoot six out of six on Jack's behalf, you owe him a 50. No make that 100. If I can't, he owes you 100."

"Wait, what?" Jack gawked.

"Huh!?" Kristoff gawked too.

"100 buck." Snotlout gawked too.

"I've never seen 100 buck dollar." Po said.

"Nobody's got a 100 buck!" Shrek said.

"Let us see the dollar!" Snotlout shouted. Seriously? Has the apocalypse been so fucked up that money has become to near extinction to be legends of myth?

"Well, this is interesting." Flynn smirked. "All right. Do your best, ma'am."

"How fast can this thing go?" Elsa asked.

"Oh, you can play double or triple speeds, but that's for the experts." The spokesman explained.

"As fast as you can." Elsa said.

"Oh this will fucking good." Anna giggled in excitement. So the spokesman starts the gallery at the fastest speed he could. Elsa took two of the guns and fired multiple shots and ALL the zombie and robot targets. This struck everyone in awe. Even Jack and Flynn.

"Holy shit!" Jack exclaimed in shock.

"No kidding!" Kristoff said.

"Congratulations! You're a winner!" The spokesman said giving Jack a prize.\

"Thank you." Jack said still in shock.

"Come on, you owe him a 100 bucks." Elsa said smirking at Flynn. Flynn wanted to protest but he begrudgingly accepted his defeat. So he gets out a 100 dollar buck from his pocket. Everyone gasps in awe at the site of the mere paper buck. SO much so that they bow their heads in respect like it's some sort of god.

"There it is!" Fishlegs said in awe.

"It's beautiful!" Po said too. "I think I just peed a little." Jack took the 100-dollar bill from Flynn still in a state of awe.

"Well, a man whose girlfriend does his shooting for him. Isn't that a fine how-do-you-do?" Flynn said. And the crowd starts laughing as if it were a joke. "I said, "Isn't that a fine how-do-you-do?"" Flynn repeated and the crowd laughed harder. Flynn joined in the laughing matter.

"How is that funny? What's funny about that? "How do you do" is a greeting. Why is that funny?" Jack asked clearly not getting it. You and me both. "You, why are you laughing?" Jack asked a random person.

"I don't know. He was laughing." The man pointed to another man. So apparently the apocalypse not only destroyed the human race but also comedy as well. That explains it.

"It seems your ex-boyfriend doesn't have a sense of humor. I can see why you dumped him." Flynn said to Rapunzel kissing her cheek.

"Hey! You wanna back up that attitude, asshole?" Jack said glaring at Flynn.

"Oh, you are kidding." Flynn assumed.

"Never been more serious in my life. You and me, pistols." Jack challenged Flynn.

"You wouldn't have a prayer, kiddo." Flynn retorted like it was a fact.

"Tomorrow, 8:00 a.m., sharp." Damn Jack! You are certainly growing a pair. Awesome!

"All right, challenge accepted!" Flynn said. Even Rapunzel looked worried.

"Oh, gosh. Tomorrow is bad for me, and I really wanna be there." Elsa stepped in.

"Me too." Anna said. "I really want to see a kick ass dual!"

"Why don't we say a week from today? That works for you, right, Jack?" Elsa offered.

"Yeah, yeah, that's fine. A week from today." Jack agreed. "I got sheep stuff I gotta do tomorrow, anyway."

"One week." Flynn agreed, still growling and glaring. "Come on, Rapunzel. I'll buy you some sugared butter shavings." And with that the couple left. Jack suddenly came back to his senses and immediately regret hit him hard like a semi truck.

"Oh, shit!" Jack said.

"No shit!" Kristoff agreed.

"Wow." The sisters said in unison.

"What the fuck did I just do?" Jack said.

"More like what the fuck were you thinking?" Kristoff said.

"You just challenged Flynn to a gunfight." Elsa said.

"No fucking shit, Sherlock!" Kristoff said. "Seriously, Jack, what the fuck were you thinking?"

"I have no idea what just happened. I was, like, out of my body." Jack stammered.

"Albert, did you see the look on Rapunzel's face?" Elsa said.

"No. Why?"

"She was aroused. She was impressed." Anna said.

"You had a fire in your belly for a second there, pal." Elsa complimented. "Bet you never showed her that side before."

"Yeah, I don't have that side to me. I honestly don't know what just happened." Jack said starting to panic.

"Jack, you got her attention. You beat this guy at a gunfight, I bet she thinks twice about dumping you." Elsa assured him.

"Or he loses and me Emma are alone with out a brother." Kristoff said.

Elsa, Anna, I can't be in a gunfight. What am I, Pitch Black here?" Jack said. "I'll get killed!"

"Whoa!" Elsa stopped him. "Why would you say that?"

"Because he's the most vicious dangerous man in the territory, which I am not!" Jack answered.

"No, you're not Pitch Black. You're gonna be okay, Jack. That week I just bought you is enough time for me to teach you how to shoot. You'll be fine." Elsa assured him.

"Oh, yeah, by the way, that's another thing. How the fuck can you shoot like that? Who the hell are you?" Kristoff said.

"Our dad was a hunter. We could shoot a gun before we could walk." Elsa answered.

"When you live in a pretty fucked up world family skills do come in handy." Anna added.

"Whatever. I'm sick to my stomach. My stomach is in knots." Jack said expressing his nausea.

"You're worked up, that's what it is. Let's get a drink. Come on." Elsa said bring Jack with her.

"Sounds good to me." Anna agreed. "Come on Kris. You can join us."

"Um o-okay." Kristoff said blushing red.

"Hey! It's our sweet young couple." The same sales man called out. "Could I interest you folks in some Wildroot Cream-Oil?" Suddenly a drunk driver crashes into his stand out of no where and runs the guy over. Killing him instantly.

"People die at the fair." Elsa and Anna guessed in unison.

"People die at the fair." Jack and Kristoff confirmed in unison. People die at the fair.

* * *

 **Chapter 5 complete! And so it begins! A dual between Flynn and Jack has been made! Can Jack learn just in a week? Stay tuned for more. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 6: What The Fuck Am I Supposed To Shoot?**

The next day, Elsa and Jack drove out of Safe Haven and into the wild unforgiving dead zone, where zombies and robots roam for fresh meat. Luckily Elsa found a safe quiet spot with no zombies or robots. Today was he first day of teaching Jack how to shoot a gun. Kristoff, Emma and Anna joined because Anna thought it be interesting and Kristoff and Emma were worried.

"Are you sure your sister knows what she's doing?" Kristoff asked in worry.

"Of course she does." Anna smiled.

"I'm worried my big brother will get hurt or die." Emma quivered.

"Don't worry sweetie. Everything will be fine." Anna said sweetly to Emma.

"Okay, so you're gonna take your right thumb, put it all the way to the left." Elsa explained as she demonstrated. "Cross it over, cradle it right in there, and then just extend it straight through your..."

"Like that?" Jack said struggling with the gun in his hand.

"Straight." Elsa corrected. "Wow, you've never fired a gun before."

"I... I have not. I own a gun." Jack said. "No, I fired a gun at the shooting gallery."

"Yeah, but those were quarter loads." Elsa said. "These are full loads."

"Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans." Jack joked a sex pun. Oh wow!

"Shut the fuck up and focus." Elsa giggled.

"All right. Okay."

"WOW!" Anna laughed hard.

"He seriously did not just say that." Kristoff groaned.

"What did jack mean by that?" Emma asked.

"You'll understand when you're older." Anna said recovering from her laughing fit. Jack aimed his gun and fired several shots. But he missed, not hitting a single one of the cans. Wow he just really fucking sucks.

"This is never gonna work." Jack sighed in defeat. "This is not working."

"It's gonna work." Elsa assured him. "It's gonna work and Rapunzel is gonna come running back to you."

"How the hell do you get these things out?" Jack said shaking the gun. Elsa laughed as she took the gun. "I'm sitting there jerking that thing off." Elsa pressed a switch to release the magazine. There was a moment of silence between them as Elsa reloaded the gun with a new magazine. "Hey, why are you being so nice to me?"

"What do you mean?" Elsa asked.

"Well, I mean, you show up out of nowhere. You're this complete anomaly in my world of terribleness out here. I mean, you must have a million better things to do than this." Jack explained.

"What, I can't make a new friend? You sure look like you could use one." Elsa answered. "I mean you have Hiccup and his two girlfriends…"

"Still trying to figure THAT out!" Anna called from her seat.

"You also have your siblings and me and my sister." Elsa continued. "So that's another step forward. I mean you've been making great progress so far."

"I guess. I mean, I just... I just don't know anything about you." Jack said. "Or your sister. Me and my siblings don't know anything about you two."

"He's got a point." Kristoff said.

"Let's just say we're running from the dangerous just as you guys are." Anna said.

"Well, can I ask you something about you?" Elsa asked.

"Yeah, sure." Jack nodded.

"Why do you love Rapunzel?" Elsa asked. Jack just sighs in response.

"I mean, take your pick. She's... I feel great when I'm with her. She's classy, she's fun, she's insanely gorgeous." Jack listed.

"Hey, no. Look, she's really pretty, yes." Elsa said with a hint of jealousy. "But honestly, and I'm sorry to say this, I don't see what else she's got going for her. My impression was that she was a little sour and self-absorbed."

"You're not the only one you noticed sis." Anna said.

"Same here." Kristoff said.

"And for a guy with so much going for him, I just thought that maybe you..."

"I don't know what you think I have going for me, but..."

"You see? There you go again, just cutting yourself down." Elsa said to Jack. "You act like this girl was performing some kind of a charitable act by dating you. Jack, you're a catch. You're sweet, you're funny, you're smart. You've made something of yourself out here. You know, a lot of people can't say that. You're a good dog trainer."

"Oh wow." Anna said in awe. "She has it bad."

"What? What does she have that's bad?" Emma asked.

"Oh yeah. She definitely does." Kristoff agreed.

"What!? What does Elsa have!?" Emma demanded.

"Oh, my God, please. I suck at dogs." Jack said. "Rapunzel was right. I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse last week."

"Really?" Elsa asked in awe.

"Yeah." Jack nodded. "Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow, it had made $20." Elsa couldn't help but laugh. Anna laughed too. Jack and Kristoff chuckled a little. Wow! I never knew people like to fuck dogs. That's going to be my new nightmares for the week and my mental scars for the rest of my life. "But, you know, thank you anyway for what you said."

"Oh, look, the future fucking sucks, but the safe haven is not your problem. It's you." Elsa smiled handing Jack the new loaded gun. "You need a little confidence boost, my friend. Now, aim up, dog boy." Jack aimed his gun and fired several shots. But he missed, not hitting a single one of the cans. That is until the last shot fired and hit one of the cans. "Oh!"

"Hey! There we go!" Jack smiled in success.

"See? There!" Elsa compliments.

"Alright!" Anna cheered.

"Nice one." Kristoff smirked.

"My big brother did it!" Emma cheered.

"All righty. That's one. So, all I gotta do is get Flynn to let me shoot 16 times before he shoots and then I win!" Jack said with confidence. "Easy."

"You're gonna do great, I promise. We're gonna get there." Elsa said with confidence too.

* * *

So over the course of the time Elsa taught Jack how to shoot. The next day he taught Jack how to fire multiple shots with a quick speed and trigger finger. Jack was impressed to see her shoot down multiple glass bottles. But when Jack tried he missed at a far distance. So he went a little closer. Still misses. Go up close. He still fucking misses! Jesus he sucks so bad!

Next day Elsa showed Jack how to shoot overhead. She threw a glass in the air and shot it to pieces with one shot bulls eye. But when Jack tried, he fired several shots with no success and the plant hit his head, giving him a nasty cut. So they went to Doctor North who used a wood pecker to peck out the blood. Elsa, Anna, and Kristoff almost puked from watching.

The next day, they went out on another drive out into the dead zone. Elsa was teaching him how to get out a gun and put it away with style. Jack was having trouble spinning it on his finger that he accidentally pulled the trigger, causing him to hide behind Elsa who was laughing hysterically along with Anna and Kristoff laughing. One time he fired near a ledge and the recoil knocked him down sending him tumbling down the ledge. Good thinking, dumbass!

However over the passed few days, Jack started to improve. The next day he practiced with a watermelon dressed as Flynn. He fired and it grazed the side of the watermelon. Jack sighed in defeat BUT he was making progress.

Next day he fired at the bottles again and managed to hit 2 out of 6. Next they tried a door dummy. Basically a drawing of a man on a door. They decided to practice in Jack's back yard. Jack aimed and fired at the shoulder. HIT!

"Hey!" Jack chuckled.

"Yes!" Elsa cheered.

"Alright!" Anna, Kristoff, and Emma cheered together. Suddely Jack's father comes roaring and screaming out firing his gun and everyone ducked in cover.

"God damn it, Jack! No more friends!" He scolded.

* * *

Today was the last day of training, and the gang made some excellent progress with Jack's gun shooting skills. The last day of the week. They all sat in their cars just looking out in the distance of the vast dead zone wasteland under the shinning sun. Despite the planet being fucked up, it still held a beauty to it. Go figure.

"You know, you did great today." Elsa complimented. "So much better than last week. And I have a surprise for you. You have earned one of Arendelle's very special super-super-secret cookies."

"We baked enough for the us." Anna said. "Here." she said passing them around. "AND this one is for you, Emma."

"YAY! I love cookies!" Emma cheered taking the cookie. It was different from the rest. Anna and Elsa took a bit out of theirs.

"Wait, what is this?" Jack said suspiciously at his cookie. "This is a pot... This is a pot cookie, isn't it?"

"It's a pot cookie." Anna confirmed.

"What!?" Kristoff gasped. "You offered my sister a pot cookie!"

"No! That one is a regular cookie. THESE are pot cookies." Anna confirmed.

"No, no, no. No. I don't do well with that stuff at all." Jack refused.

"I never had one, and I don't intend to have one." Kristoff said.

"It's a pot cookie." Elsa insisted.

"Yeah, I know. No, thank you." Jack refused.

"Just have a little bit with us." Elsa said.

"Please?" Anna joined in.

"My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug. No, thank you." Jack said.

"On a pot cookie?"

"The last time somebody gave me one of these I became convinced that pigeons were psychic." Jack explained.

"It's true. I had to sedate him." Kristoff asked.

"Just take a little bit." Elsa offered.

"I'll take a very, very small bite." Jack said.

"Just a small bite." Elsa nodded.

"A very small bite."

"That's it." So that's what Jack did. He nibbled on it. "Are you kidding me?" Elsa giggled.

"Nope. Deadly serious." Jack said. Elsa could only laugh. "Let's see what this does and if I don't throw myself off this cliff during some awful freak-out, then..."

"No, no." Elsa giggled. "Just take that little bit, right there."

"Well, now you've touched it." Jack said. Elsa laughed again. Anna laughed too.

"Take the other side." Elsa pointed still giggling. So Jack did. "There you go."

"Come one, Kristoff. You too." Anna said.

"No way!" Kristoff said.

"Oh come one!" Anna smiled up at him.

"I refuse to do pot." Kristoff said.

"It helps with glaucoma." Anna urged. "Please?"

"Oh alright. Okay, fine. I'll try it." Kristoff gave in. So he took a bite out his cookie.

"See? There, that wasn't so bad." Anna smiled.

"No what?" Jack asked.

"And now, we just wait for the sun to set." Elsa said.

* * *

So they literally waited around for hours and hours for the sun to set. Jesus! Though the look on their faces explained that they were now high off their asses. Emma was asleep in the back of the car.

"This is really weird." Jack said. "Is it supposed to be like this?"

"Good question bro." Kristoff said. Both Elsa and Anna began chuckling and giggling.

"You gave us the right amount, right?" Jack asked the sisters. Both Elsa and Anna began going into a laughing fit. "You don't think we took too much?"

"Just ride it out." Elsa said in a drugged up state.

"This is... Wow, my bones are in really deep today." Jack said feeling his legs. "Like, there's a lot more skin than there usually is."

"I know what you mean, bro." Kristoff said feeling his arms. "I feel like a tumor armed Popeye the Sailorman."

"I think my body is padding up for the winter, which is weird, because it's not winter. But there's a lot more there." Jack said. Both Elsa and Anna laughed together once again. "There's something wrong with my swallowing. This is not how I usually swallow." Jack said swallowing. Just then a pigeon hands on the hood of their car and both Jack and Kristoff reacted in shock and fear. "Oh, my God, Guys, he knows." Jack said panicking.

"Holy shit you're right!" Kristoff panicked.

"What, what, what?" Anna said giggling.

He knows what we're doing, he knows what this is. He knows what this is." Jack said hiding behind Elsa.

"I don't wanna... No, I don't wanna join." Kristoff said hiding behind Anna. "I don't wanna join up." Both Elsa and Anna couldn't help but laugh together in a laughing fit.

* * *

 **Chapter 6 complete! A week has passed and Jack has learned how to shoot a gun. Now the next step is winning back Rapunzel. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Had a Goatee**

That night was the square dance that was taking place at the town hall. Every year people, friends, family take their love ones for night of dance and music with refreshments and booze on the side. Everyone was dancing to the music and cheering with absolute joy. Surprisingly nobody dies here! Big fucking shock. Anyway, Jack and Kristoff were dressed all nicely and waiting for the Arendelle sister to arrive. Jack looked amongst the dancing crowd and couldn't help but lament over the memories of him and Rapunzel. Oh my fucking god! GET OVER IT! Just then Elsa and Anna show in their nicest finest dresses. Elsa wore a ice blue colors dress from shoulder to feet, while Anna wore the same one except from shoulder to waist and it was red.

"Hey." Elsa greeted the two boys. Both and Jack and Kristoff turned to see them and reacted in awe at their beauty. I can tell their hormones are giving them boners, lol! Ah, that joke was stupid I deeply apologize.

"Wow." Jack said in awe. "You girls look amazing."

"Really… really pretty." Kristoff added, blushing bright red.

"And maybe a little uncomfortable." Jack added. The sister smiled in reponse over the compliments.

"Aw, thank you." Anna said.

"Oh, shit!" Elsa said looking at the crowd in shock. "We're totally overdressed, aren't we?"

"No." Jack scoffed.

"No way." Kristoff added.

"We've never done formal before. And the lady at the boutique told me to buy these and no one else is wearing this." Elsa exclaimed.

"Who cares what... These are all fuckers." Jack stammered. "You look fantastic."

"We look like Britney Spears threw up all over us." Elsa said.

"You mean you." Anna giggled.

"You do not look like Britney Spears threw... No, you look absolutely beautiful." Jack said honestly.

"You both are simply a vision and a dream." Kristoff added. "You can breathe in that thing, right?"

"There's nothing I like more than putting on some loose, baggy clothes, and just being able to relax." Anna said.

"Anna!" Elsa scolded.

"What it's true!" Anna exclaimed.

Yeah, those are an end-of-the-workday outfits you girls have on." Jack said. "I'm very glad I remembered the six items I somehow require to hold up my pants."

"Really? Six?" Elsa asked.

"Nah just kidding. No, just the belt." Jack chuckled. So did the rest of them. "You are ready to relieve the stress of the day."

"Completely." Elsa smiled.

"Jack!" Kristoff scolded.

"Oh what!? You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first." Jack scoffed. "Well, at the very least, this will be a good way to spend my last night alive, right?"

"No, Jack. Don't start that shit." Anna warned. "Like Elsa said you're going to be fine."

"That's right. You just got to have more confidence." Kristoff said.

"Oh I don't know." Jack said.

"Jack." Elsa spoke up.

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yeah, I do." Jack nodded.

"Good. You're gonna be fine. If I thought you were gonna lose this gunfight, I'd make you call it off. Okay?" Elsa assured.

"Yeah, okay."

"Trust me." While those two share a romantic moment, Anna does the same to Kristoff.

"What about you, Kris?" Anna asked. "Do you trust me?"

"Yeah. Absolutely." Kristoff answered.

"Good. Thank you." Anna smiled up at him.

The music comes to a close and everyone cheers and applauds. Then Shrek comes up to welcome everyone.

"Hey, how about it for the Big hero 6?" Shrek said to the audience. "Thank you. Hey, hey, it's great to be back here in Safe Haven City. Any robots here tonight? How'd you get tickets? Let me guess. Scalpers." The audience laughs at Shrek's joke. "But I tell ya, folks, the Internet… That thing is nuts. I mean, sure, it's faster than the Pony Express, but what good is it if you can't send a picture of your dick when copyright assholes are jerking off?" The audience laughs once again. "Okay, they're giving me the light. Enjoy the bison and I hope you're enjoying your drinks as much as my horse enjoyed making them for you." The audience laughs once again. MAN these guys have no define in character. "Now, let's all line up for the sweetheart dance." And the audience applause

"Come on, let's go." Elsa urged Jack, pulling on his arm.

"Yeah! Come on, Kris." Anna did the same.

"No, no, no! We suck at dancing." Jack said.

"It's true. The last time we dance we stomped on 23 feet and fell 12 times," Kristoff said.

"No one will notice." Elsa assured.

"How will they not notice?" Jack asked.

"Because you suck at everything." Anna said giggling. Elsa giggled too. Just then they ran into Flynn and Rapunzel in the crowd.

"Well, well! Hello, there, frosty." Flynn smirked an insult.

"Hello, Flynn. Hey, Punzie." Jack greeted back begrudgingly.

"Hey, Jack." Rapunzel said not looking at him.

"So, big day tomorrow. Care for a last dance?" Flynn challenged.

"With you?" Jack asked confused.

"No, not with me. I mean, the dance." Flynn groaned.

"Oh! Yeah. No, yeah, no. She and I are gonna dance. And these two here as well." Jack said.

"Yep." Anna said.

"And now, to serenade us for the sweetheart dance, our very own Goofy!" Shrek announced as a funny looking man came up and shake his hand. "Shit crowd." He whispered. Flynn came up to him and whispered a song request to Goofy.

"Ready for weird, stiff, traditional frontier dancing?" Jack asked.

"Fuck, yes." Elsa answered.

The music plays and everyone starts the sweetheart dance. Sung by Goofy.

 _You men who long for love_

 _You mustn't all despair_

 _There's a secret you should know_

 _To capture the hearts of the fair_

 _You may not have the looks_

 _You may not have the glee_

 _But you'll win yourself a girl_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

Everyone danced to the music until in came down to Jack, Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, Flynn, and Rapunzel.

 _You may be common folk_

 _Without a hint of pride_

 _But you needn't be a king_

 _To make any maiden a bride_

 _You may not have the name_

 _You may not have to see_

 _That you'll make that girl your own_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

The dancing continues as Jack tries to get a dance with Rapunzel. But the large dancing crowd kept him from doing so.

 _You may be big and fat_

 _Or uglier than sin_

 _All the ladies shut you out_

 _You're wondering how to get in_

 _Well, here is my advice_

 _For how to make a fee_

 _You can have your pick of gals_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _Big goatee, thick goatee_

 _My goatee, your goatee_

 _Say the word, the word " goatee"_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _Now we both have said " goatee "_

 _A goatee_

 _A goatee_

 _If you've only got a goatee_

The song ends with Flynn kicking Jack in the face off the dance floor. Elsa, Anna and Kristoff helped Jack up as he watched Flynn and Rapunzel smirking at Jack with confidence.

"Fucking asshole." Jack growled.

"How about I steal a bottle of whiskey and we get out of here?" Elsa offered.

"Love that idea." Jack said.

"I'll be right back." Elsa said as she walked over to the bar counter. "Your dick's out." She said to the bartender. The bartender quickly checked his pants allowing Elsa to steel a bottle of whiskey.

She then got two cups and filled one of them with turbo lax. Oh sweet shit! I am laughing my ass off already! We can only imagine who it's for. LMFAO! I'm sorry I need a moment to breath! XD

Okay so anyway, Elsa walked over to the romantic gaggling couple with the cups and whiskey. Good fucking god these two are fucking weird.

"Hey." Elsa greeted the couple. So, Jack and I are gonna split, but I just wanted to come by and wish you luck tomorrow." Elsa pretended as she poured the bottle of whiskey into HER cup. Just to clarify.

"Thank you." Flynn said. "Now if you don't mind, my girlfriend and I are enjoying each other's company."

"I know I won't be long." Elsa said, pouring the whiskey into HIS glass! LMFAO! I'm sorry. It's just… Lax always makes me laugh. "Any way I just want to apologize for humiliating you a week a go. "I guess it's kind of weird knowing that a woman can outshoot you. So I was wondering if you can outdrink me."

"That, I can assure you, is a fact." Flynn said. "I can."

"Alrighty then. Five dollors to the winner." Elsa offered. "Think of it as a generous revenge."

"That's sounds kind and reasonable." Flynn acknowledged. "I accept." Elsa nodded and gave HIS drink.

"One, two, three." Elsa counted and the two drank. Elsa however was only holding back on purpose to make sure Flynn drunk his cup all the way. And he did. "Oh, shit!" Elsa said. "Oh well."

"Don't feel bad." Flynn grunted from his drink. "Alcohol doesn't harmonize well with a woman's frail constitution, anyway." Flynn smirked. WOW! What a sexiest bastard!

"I guess not." Elsa shrugged, as she reached into her wallet and pulled out a 5 dollar buck. "Here you go. You can buy your girlfriend a brain."

"Excuse me?" Rapunzel scoffed.

"You're an idiot. You have the nicest guy in the world throwing himself at your feet and here you are with this complete asshole." Elsa scolded Rapunzel. "You throw him away like he's trash, and hook up with a stereotype sexiest muscle head."

"Who I go out with is my own business. So, why don't you mind your own, bitch?" Rapunzel retorted.

"How are you so blind with eyes that big?" Elsa retorted. Causing Rapunzel to gaped in shock. "Enjoy your night."

"They're not that big." Rapunzel scoffed.

"No, my dear, they're practically Asian." Flynn said.

"God, I love you." Rapunzel said kissing Flynn passionately.

"I love you, too." Flynn moaned.

Of course that compliment could be heard by Asian descendants. And believe me they were pissed.

"Dude. He did not just say that." Hiro said.

"Yes he did." Po confirmed.

"Oh yeah." Tadashi added.

"That's it. I'm going to kick his ass." Gogo growled cracking her knuckles.

"I'm in." Tigress joined in.

"Me too." Mulan too.

* * *

Meanwhile Jack and Elsa decided to lake to enjoy the night sky. Anna and Kristoff went to the grassing field instead.

"How's that?" Elsa asked, offering Jack whiskey.

"Ooh." Jack coughed. "Wow. Um..."

"It'll keep us warm, though." Elsa said.

"Are you cold?" Jack asked in concern.

"The cold never bothered me anyway." Elsa shrugged.

"Here, take my coat." Jack offered as he took his coat off.

"No, no, no! It's okay." Elsa assured him.

"No, it's fine. Here. This has been in my family for 97 generations." Jack said wrapping his coat around Elsa. Elsa only laughed as she accepted. I can't get that goddamn goatee song out of my head."

"Oh, just think of another song." Elsa suggested.

"I can't." Jack said. "It's like a splinter."

"Oh, that's true." Elsa sighs.

"Um... Hey, you know, whatever happens tomorrow, I just... I just want to say thank you." Jack said sincerely. "Uh... I couldn't have gotten this far without you. And this may be the booze talking, or your pep talk, or both, but I think I can do it. You know, I think I can beat him." Jack said confidentially.

"Well, I'll tell you this, you sound a lot more confident than that guy who dragged me out of the BFB not too long ago." Elsa complimented.

"You know, it's funny. I still feel like I don't know anything about you after all this time. And I feel like every time I bring it up, you change the subject." Jack brought up.

"There really isn't that much to tell." Elsa shrugged. "My story is a lot like yours, I suppose. Because I'll tell you, I hate the future just as much as you do."

"Do you really?"

"For my own reasons, but, yeah." Elsa nodded.

"Oh, I like you even more now." Jack chuckled. Elsa laughed with him too.

"There is something about connecting over mutual hatred that's just so much deeper than mutual love." Elsa said.

"It's true, right? If two people hate the same things, it creates a bond." Jack agreed. "Hate can move mountains."

"Yes." Elsa laughed. After the two calmed down from their laugh, Elsa sighed. "This is incredibly sweet."

"It's nothing. It's... I owe you." Jack said stammering.

"No one's ever done anything like this for me." Elsa smiled at him. Then she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

"Oh, come on, now." Jack chuckled.

"Thank you." Elsa said sweetly. There was brief moment of silent pause between the two, as they stared at each other's eyes. Jack then grows some balls and the two lean into each other and locked themselves into a passionate kiss. They stayed that way for less than a minutes feeling each other's warmth on their lips. It would seem that these two have developed quite the chemistry. Then the two finally but slowly parted and stared into each other's eyes once more.

"Uh... I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have done that." Jack stammered and blushed.

"No, it's... It's fine." Elsa said in the same manner as Jack. Both were completely struck in awe.

"You... You've just been a really good friend to me. That's all." Jack said.

"Yeah. I, um... It's late." Elsa said.

"Yeah, I should take you home." Jack nodded. So the two got up and walked together back into town.

* * *

Meanwhile, Anna and Kristoff were laughing like crazy. They never had that much fun in awhile. Or least not together it seems. Anna was breathless but still smiling and laughing.

"I haven't had this much fun in a long time." Anna sighed happily.

"Yeah. Me neither." Kristoff said. They stopped to enjoy the scenery until Anna turned to Kristoff.

"Kristoff?" She said.

"Yes?" He turned to her.

"Thank you for keeping me company. And for taking me to so much fun stuff. I really enjoyed it."

"Hey, anytime." He smiled back. There was a moment of silence and the two just stared at each other. But then they snapped back into reality getting red in the face. "Well uh… I guess uh…" He was speechless.

"I guess… we have… a lot in common?" Anna stammered a guess.

"Yeah… I guess we do." Kristoff responded.

"Listen Kristoff. I really meant what I said. Thank you so much for making me happy. Thank you for being here with me." She said. But she was getting redder and redder each time.

"Of course, Anna. I would do anything for you." Kristoff said with a blush red face. Anna was in awe to see that he was serious. "Wait! Why did I just say that!?" Anna only laughed as a response.

"Thanks, Kris. That was really sweet. " Anna smiled. Then they looked at each other, with faces still blushing red. They uncontrollably started moving towards each other. And just like that, their lips touched each other's. They were kissing each other. Strangely neither of them backed off. They just stood there. Anna then wrapped her arms around his neck, and he wrapped his around his waist. They didn't stop. It was like the whole world had stopped quiet and these two just enjoyed their tender moment. The kiss was so passionate for Anna; she hoped that he wouldn't stop. And he didn't. Surprisingly these two wished this moment would last forever. Anna and Kristoff continued to kiss each other. Passionately and slowly. They enjoyed each and every moment of it. Finally they slowly broke off and stared at each other in awe, blushing all the way. "Wow." Anna whispered.

"Wow is right." Kristoff said in low tone. The two-stood facing each other, feeling a little embarrassed but confortable. Neither of them said a word.

"Um, Kristoff?" Anna broke the silence. "Did you… always had a crush in me?" She asked awkwardly, while fiddling with her fingers.

"Well… not until I started hanging out with you more often." Kristoff said. This made Anna blush even more. Anna had never felt so touched in her life. She now knows what real love is. This was so heartwarming that it made her cry. "Oh my goodness! Anna, I'm sorry I didn't mean to…" Kristoff panicked.

"No. No. No, it's alright." Anna sniffed, while whipping away her tears. "It's just that no one has ever been so sincere to me like that." She cried. "At first I thought Hans did the same, but I guess I was just being a youthful optimist."

"Anna, it's okay!" Kristoff embraced her. Slowly and steady he rocked her side to side. "These things happen. You just need to find the strength to carry on." He said gently, while gently stroking her hair. She looks up at him with dry streaks of tears on her cheeks.

"How do you know all of this?" She asked curiously.

"I told you. I'm a love experts." He weakly smirked. Anna stared in awe but then giggled a little.

"I believe you." She smiled weakly.

"Anna." He began. "I think now is a good time as ever to tell you this." He took a deep breath and sighed. "I love you." Anna went wide-eyed in awe and cried tears once again. But this time she smiled, crying tears of joy, knowing that she now knows what real love is and that she has someone who loves her.

"Oh Kristoff." She leaped into a hug. The two hugged each other so tenderly. They stare back at each other with smiles and then went into another passionate, tender kiss. This was their moment and nothing can ruin it. Anna then broke off and stood tall and proud in front of Kristoff. But what came next was completely unexpected. Anna undid her dress and let it fall down onto the ground reviling her bare naked body. Kristoff went wide-eyed in awe and blushed bright red.

"Um… Anna what are you doing?" Kristoff asked, blushing bright red. Anna grabbed him by the wrist and softly pressed her lips on his own. Kristoff was left in wide-eyed awe and shock. He became melted in the moment. The two were now embraced in a romantic moment. Pretty soon their tongues started to interlock. Anna began to moan in pleasure. After awhile the two of them stopped and slowly broke off and breathed.

"It's alright if you see me naked. I think you deserve an award." Anna whispered in his ear.

"Um, uh… W-what do you mean…" His words were cut off by Anna's lips pressing on his. The two were once again melted in their romantic moment. Their tongues intertwining with each other's. At first Kristoff was about to touch Anna breast but stop because he felt it would be rude. But then Anna grabbed his arm and placed it on her breasts.

"It's okay. You can play with them." She broke off and smiled. Kristoff smiled back. Then they continued their kiss. Kristoff then 'played' with Anna's breasts. This allowed her to let out moans of pleasure. Because Kristoff was allowed to touch Anna's breasts this causes him to have an erection, which pressed hard against his pants. Anna then felt it. "Oh my. Looks like someone is trying to get out." She smirked. Kristoff made a shy smile and a blush. She then stood up and pulled him up too. "Strip naked. I'll help you."

"Okay." Kristoff nodded as he then took off his clothes too. Anna then undid his pants. Within a few seconds Kristoff was now naked. Of course he felt embarrassed. But Anna was smiling in memorization at Kristoff's big and long erected dick.

"Oh wow!" She stared in wonder. "It's so… big." She examined him and his erected dick. "And you are… so built well."

"T-Thanks." He chuckled. Anna had to admit, he was handsome and charming. She even went so far to suggest that he was better looking than Hans was. Especially his erection. Anna then bent down on her knees at the same level as Kristoff's erected dick.

"May I?" She gestured to his erected dick.

"Sure." He nodded. Anna smiled and then focused on his erection. She then began to lick at the tip of his dick. This caused Kristoff to let out a small groan of pleasure. Then Anna stuck her whole mouth on his erected dick. Moving back and forth sucking and licking at it. Krostoff's groans became more frequent. "Wow. You're great with your tongue." Anna kept on licking and sucking on Kristoff's erection for a few minutes. "Oh! I think I'm gonna cum!" Kristoff informed. "I'm gonna cum! I'm cumming!" Kristoff then let out a huge loud groan as his erected length released his semen into Anna's mouth. Surprisingly her epiglottis moved up and down as Kristoff was then surprised to see that Anna had swallowed his semen.

"Wow. That was delicious." She smiled honestly, as she resumed to sucking on his erected length.

"Wow. I didn't think you would take it all in." Kristoff expressed his impression.

"Amazing! You released that much, but you're still rock hard!" Anna beamed in delight.

"Yeah. Thanks to you that is. But don't worry I'm still ready for more." Kristoff smiled.

"Alright then." Anna smirked. Anna then positioned herself above him. "I want you inside of me." She begged. Kristoff nodded. Anna then took his erected dick and placed it in her virgina. She let out a small moan, but when she pressed down on it she let out a louder moan. "Oh my goodness!" She breathed. "I knew your cock was big and long, but to have it inside me is completely different!" She then started to move up and down. Kristoff let out some low tone groans while Anna let out some high tone moans. She began to bounce on his erected dick at a rapid pace. She felt her whole body heat up as she bounced. "Oh my god, it feels so good!" She moaned. The suddenly Kristoff starts to take the lead.

"Oh my god, your pussy feels so good!" He groaned as his pelvis went up and down, bouncing Anna. He then started to pick up the pace. He rammed his dick again and again in Anna's pussy, causing her moan screams.

"Oh my goodness, yes! Yes! Pound me! Pound me!" She begged as they picked up speed. They kept this up for a few more minutes, until…

"Oh god, I'm gonna cum again!" Kristoff groaned.

"Yes! Cum! Cum inside of me! Cum in my pussy!" She begged loudly. "Keep going! Keep going!" He kept up his rough and speedy pace for a few seconds, and then with a final thrust and a loud groan Kristoff released his sperm inside Anna. Anna moaned a scream in pleasure. For the first time Anna was actually enjoying sexual intercourse with a man. After awhile of Anna's body shaking and quivering, she collapsed on top of Kristoff. Both of them breathed heavily from there little session. "You were SO amazing." She whispered to him.

"You were amazing yourself." He complimented. Anna giggled as she snuggled against Kristoff's bare chest. Kristoff put the covers over them, just incase if they need to be warm. After awhile of comforting silence, Kristoff broke the silence. Both of them smiled at each other and then kissed passionately. "I love you, Anna."

"I love you too." She smiled at him. The two then snuggled and fell a sleep together in the grassy field under the starry night. Guess they're taking a daytime nap today.

* * *

Meanwhile Jack drove Elsa home back to her apartment. He rolled up and parked his car, got out to the passenger side, and helped Elsa out.

"Thank you." Elsa smiled.

"Don't mention it." Jack smiled back. Jack walked her over to the apartment. When they got to the door, Elsa took off Jack's jacket and gave it back to him. "Oh, thanks."

"Good luck tomorrow. I'm gonna be there." Elsa promised.

"Good." Jack chuckles.

"Okay." Elsa chuckles too. But before Elsa decided to go in, she quickly hugs Jack and kisses him passionately. Jack was struck in awe by this, but he returns the hug and passionate kiss. The two of them stayed that way in their little romantic moment. Right then and there, they knew they were in love with each other.

"Elsa…" Jack murmured.

"Jack. Stay with me tonight." Elsa said with begging eyes. Jack didn't have to answer. He complied by following her into her apartment.

* * *

When the two entered her room, Jack slowly but quickly kissed her passionately. She wrapped her arms around Jack. The two just stood there kissing each other passionately. They stayed that way until Elsa began to undo Jack's buckled pants, while Jack started to unbutton her shirt.

She didn't refuse or push away. She allowed him to. Something told her to let him strip her down and allow each other to feel one another. She does the same thing to Jack, while they continue to kiss each other. Their cloths are all plopped on the floor, now they're down to their underwear. They broke off the kiss so they can look at each other. Elsa stared at his built in body, while Jack gazed at her slim body.

"Please don't stare." Elsa said nervously. She blushed bright red. "I-It's embarrassing." Jack held her his arms. Cuddling close to each other Jack sniffed her.

"Elsa, you're so beautiful. You smell very nice, and you sound wonderful." He whispered. She blushed redder than before. "I'd love to see more of you. You can see more of me too if you want." Elsa stared up at him, looking nervous but comfortable.

"Okay." She whispered a nod. Jack unclipped her bra letting it fall to the floor. Her breasts were now exposed and bare. She was temped to cover them. Jack then kneeled down and took of her panties, exposing her clitoris. Elsa was now completely naked in front of Jack. She went redder than ever and felt embarrassed. Jack stood up and looked at her. "P-Please don't stare at me like that." She whimpered. "It's embarrassing." She was on the verge of tears. Jack took her hand and kissed it. He smiled genuinely. Elsa stared into his eyes. She then decided to remove Jack's black expandable boxer shorts. She then gasped and the site of Jack's erected length. In her description it was long and big, guess when you work out a lot every part of the body counts. Elsa stared at it in an awe struck trance.

"Like what you see?" He smiled. Elsa was almost at a loss for words.

"I-It's… it's SO big." Elsa continued staring. Then she looked back up at Jack. "C-Can I?" She asked. Jack smiled sincerely down at her.

"Go right ahead." He smiled. Elsa makes a small smile herself and then turned her attention to Jack's big erection. She gently took it and started to lick the head. Jack sighed a moan. She then put her whole mouth on in sucked it. She slowly jerked her head back and forth sucking on his erection. Jack let out a few moans and breathing heard. "Wow." Jack breathed. "You're really good with your tongue." Elsa kept on sucking his erection. She stopped just to breathe.

"Oh Jack. You cock tastes so good." She moaned.

"Probably my body odor." Jack cracked a joke.

Elsa giggled. "Yeah. You taste so good." She smiled

"What about you?" Jack smirked. Elsa then stared in awe again. "Come on."

Jack lowered her down on his bed. She lay on the softness of the mattress looking up at him. He on top of her stares down at her.

"Are sure you want this?" Jack whispered.

"I am." Elsa nodded and whispered back. "Take me." Jack complied as he lowered himself to her. The two of them started kissing passionately again. They held each other in each other's arms, with their legs intertwining. After awhile of passionate kissing Elsa then turn over Jack. Now he was lying on the mattress and she was on top of him. She stared at Jack's chiseled chest and six-pack. She entered into an arousing trance and she traced her finger down Jack's six-pack.

After awhile Jack was once again on top of Elsa. This time he was going to insert his erected length into Elsa's clitoris.

"I'm gonna start putting my dick in you. Don't worry I'll take it slow. I'll stop if it hurts too much." He whispered. Elsa shuttered at first but she stopped trembling and kept her legs spread out. "Ready? Here we go."

"Okay." Elsa nodded. "Put it in me." Jack nodded in response and complied. He positioned his erected dick and moved it on Elsa's clitoris. She moaned a little, but Jack pushed his erection inward her clitoris that she gasped a moan. Jack started moving in and out if Elsa. He grunted and she moaned. Then Jack started to thrust. His thrusts were hard and fast and it made Elsa moan louder. She was lost in this pleasurable moment. "Oh yes! Jack! Fuck me! Fuck me!" She moaned her begs. Jack only complied. After 10 minutes of his thrusting Elsa began to gasp. "Oh my God! I think I'm gonna cum!" She moaned loudly. And she was right. "Oh my God I'm cumming!" She squealed as she released her sweet orgasm juices.

After that Jack was once again lying on his back on the mattress and she on top of him. However their positions were different. She faced her buttocks towards Jack allowing him of course to have a good view. Her head however was facing his erection. She started sucking it, kissing it, and move up and down and in and out on it. Jack groaned in sweet pleasure. As he breathed heavily, Elsa roughly sucked on his erection.

After another 10 minutes of that, Elsa switched her position, having her clitoris over him. She slowly but roughly placed his erection inside her. She moaned in great pleasure once again. She started moving up and down on his erection. She then started to pick up the pace. "Oh my God, yes! Feel so good!" She moaned. She kept up her pace at a rapid fast rate. "Oh God! I think I'm gonna cum again!" She moaned. And speak of the devil, she did. "I'm cumming!" She shrieked as she released her sweet orgasm juices again.

They the relocated themselves away from the bed and on the carpet floor. Jack motioned her to stand on all fours and he stood behind her. Doggy style.

"Here I go." He gave Elsa a heads up.

"Okay." She nodded. Jack then re-inserted his erection into Elsa's clitoris once again. This time Jack doesn't waste anytime thrusting hard and fast. Elsa moaned loudly as Jack thrusted his pelvis back and forth at a rapid paste. "Oh God! Fuck me! Fuck me hard!" She cried as began shedding tears. "Oh God! I'm gonna cum again!" She moaned. "I'm cumming!" She shrieked as she released her sweet orgasm juices again.

After that Jack was once again lying on his back only this time on the carpet rug and she once again on top of him. She faced her buttocks towards Jack allowing him of course to have a good view but Jack started kissing and lick at her clitoris. She started sucking it, kissing it, and move up and down and in and out on his erection once again. The two of them were lost in their romantic pleasuring moment as they pleasured each other. Jack sucking on her clitoris caused her to release her sweet orgasm juices again.

Jack then stood her us and leaned her against his dresser. The two embraced in a warm hug and kissed each other passionately. Jack then moved his head to her breasts. Kissing and sucking on the tips of them. Elsa let out so many moans of pleasure.

Jack then turned her around and re-inserted his erected length into her clitoris once again. She held on to the dresser as Jack thrusted into her in and out and a fast pace. "Oh God this is so good!" She moaned loudly. "Keep fucking me!" She begged. Jack complied as he kept up his fast and hard rapid thrusting pace. "Oh God! I'm cumming again!" She shrieked as she released her sweet orgasm juices again.

Jack then guided her back to the bed again. He laid back on the soft mattress while she was on top of him. She then placed her head over his juiced up erection and sucked up and down on it once again. Moved her head up and down at a fast pace.

After sucking on Jack erected length roughly, Elsa then repositioned herself on top of Jack again. This time she had her back facing him. She re-inserted his erection into her clitoris once again. She moaned in great pleasure once again. She started moving up and down on his erection. She then started to pick up the pace. "Oh God, Yes! Yes!" She shrieked. She kept up her pace at a rapid fast rate. "Oh God! I'm cumming!" She shrieked as she released her sweet orgasm juices again.

But Jack didn't stop there. She took Elsa while she was still positioned her back facing him, and laid her on side. He then started thrust while lying on their sides. "Oh your cock is SO good!" She moaned. "Keep doing it!" Jack complied as he kept up his fast and hard rapid thrusting pace. "Oh Fuck! I'm cumming again!" She shrieked as she released her sweet orgasm juices again. She couldn't believe it. Jack made Elsa squirt seven times. He was amazing and really good at this. She wondered if his late wife felt this kind of pleasure too. Yet one thing was on her mind. _"Why hasn't he cummed yet?"_

After awhile Jack was once again on top of Elsa. He re-inserted his erection into her, making her gasp and moan loudly. Jack started to roughly thrust his pelvis in and out if Elsa at a fast and hard pace. He grunted and she moaned. "Oh! Fuck Yes!" She moaned loudly. "Keep fucking me harder!" She begged. Jack kept up his fast and hard thrusting for about 10 minutes.

"Oh, man! I'm gonna cum!" Jack groaned.

"Do it, Jack!" She moaned. "Cum inside me!" She begged. And he did just that. Jack made one big thrust up at Elsa and groaned.

"I'm cumming!" Jack groaned. Elsa shrieked loudly as Jack released his orgasm into Elsa. Both naked mates were sweating a river and breathing heavily. After a few moments. Elsa was panting and breathing heavily. She then fell on Jack's bare chest. Resting her head while trying to catch her breath.

"I-Its… I-It's s-so warm…" She said, panting. She was exhausted. "Jack…" She whispered. "You were amazing."

"You were wonderful." Jack whispered back to her. They both stared at each other for a while and then kissed each other passionately.

"Jack. Thank you." She whispered. "I love you." Those were her last words before she fell asleep on his bare chest. Jack smiled down at her cute sleeping face.

"I love you too." He said. He stared up at the ceiling feeling confident that he'll win the match tomorrow. He then finally fell a sleep himself.

* * *

Little did the sleeping couple realized that Hans was watching from afar.

"Target found." Hans smirked.

* * *

Meanwhile at… Oh god you can't be serious… sigh, Flynn's house. The couple laid in bed almost amount to start their sex session. I hope not.

"Are you sure you can't call it off?" Rapunzel said to her boyfriend.

"Of course not. I'd be branded a coward." Flynn said.

"Baby, if you fight him tomorrow, you will kill him."

"Yes, that's what happens in a gunfight." Flynn said with a duh tone.

"But he's not a bad guy, Flynn. I mean, yeah, he's kind of a loser and he always smells like dog, but he doesn't deserve to be shot." Rapunzel said trying to reason worth him. Wow! She actually does care about Jack.

"Rapunzel! My decision is final." Flynn said. "Now… shall we."

"Of course babe." Rapunzel said. She leaned in and nibbled at his ear. Oh god no!

"My social stature is significant." Flynn moaned in pleasure. No please don't! "I'm an important man. I have my own business. People envy me." No! No! NO! CUT TO SOMETHING ELSE! Fortunately the turbo lax starts to take affect. His stomach growls and rumbles and he gasped in wide-eyed shock.

"What's wrong?" Rapunzel says in worry. But Flynn runs out to his bathroom. "Flynn!

"Not now!" He whimpers in digestive pain. Nice! :)

* * *

 **Chapter 7 complete! AND there you have it folks! Jelsa and Kristanna! Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 8: Two Way Street**

Jack woke up with his eyes slowly opening up. He stared at the ceiling. The sunlight shining through the window. He turns his head and smiles to see Elsa sleeping on his bare chest. Both lay in bed under the covers. The memory of their "session" quickly came back to him. Even he had to admit they both did good for their "first time". Just then he felt movement on his chest. He turned and saw Elsa awake and smiling up at him with glittering sapphire eyes.

"Good morning, Jack" She whispered.

"Good morning." He smiled back then leaned in to kiss her tenderly. The two kissed each other slowly and passionately. "Did you sleep well?" He asked.

"Yeah." She whispered. "Like a rock." She giggled. He chuckled too.

"Same here." He smiled. rolling finger around Jack's bare chest. He chuckled, it tickled a little.

"You know I actually feel a lot better. Spectacular even." Jack said

"I guess the sex really helped." She smirked while raising an eyebrow. 'You better get out there. It's almost 8."

"Right." Jack nodded. Though he was hesitant to do so. But he eventually got out of bed and started getting his clothes on. "You ready?"

"You go on ahead. I'm going to rest my legs for a while. I think I'm crippled." Elsa giggled. Jack chuckled too, now fully dressed. "Jack. You're going to do fine."

"I know. Thanks Elsa." Jack smiled. He took his gun and belt and got ready to go. But before he did he stopped at the door of her apartment and looked at Elsa still resting naked in bed. "Hey Elsa?"

"Yes Jack?"

"If I make it out of this and you are still resting, I'll come back." Jack said proudly. And with that Jack ran out smiling. Elsa was struck in awe and blushed bright red.

* * *

Meanwhile out in the grassy planes, Anna and Kristoff were cuddling with each other while naked on the grassing field. Kristoff stirred in his sleep and slowly awoke from last night's "ritual". The sun was shining brightly down on the naked cuddling couple as birds sang in the tree tops. Kristoff looked down at a sleeping Anna, smiled at her adorable face. His heart beat every time he saw her cute facial features. He leaned in a kissed her on the forehead. Anna then stirred herself and flickered her eyes open. But she smiled brightly up at her boyfriend.

"Good morning, handsome." Anna said smiling.

"Good morning to you too, beautiful." Kristoff said smiling back.

"Wow, what a lovely day." Anna yawned as he sat up stretching out. Kristoff blushed bright red staring at her naked body. Her huge boobs and tits bouncing a little-You guys are fapping your boners right now, aren't you.

"Oh uh sorry." Kristoff said looking away.

"Huh? Sorry for what?" Anna said. Then she noticed she was still naked. Yet instead of screeching or screaming from embarrassment, she just giggled. "Oh! It's oaky." Anna giggled. "We're all born naked so it's only natural that we see each other naked."

"I'm… not sure how to respond to that." Kristoff said with a weak smile.

"Well I'm used to being naked so I'm comfortable being naked." Anna said, lying back with Kristoff. "Do you know if there are any nudist colonies anywhere?"

"Not since the apocalypse." Kristoff answered. The two remained lying on the grassy field, their naked bodies glistening in the sun.

"Hey. Let's do it again." Anna said, climbing over Kristoff and smiling down at him.

"How can I resist?" Kristoff smirked. The two kissed each other passionately while feeling each other's skin. But then Kristoff broke off as he remembered Jack's gunfight. "Oh that's right! We can't. Jack's fight is today."

"Oh, you're right." Anna said in the same tone. "How about we do this again after Jack wins?"

"You mean IF Jack wins." Kristoff said with worry.

"He WILL win." Anna assured him, and have him a kiss on his lips. "Come one. We better get dressed." So that's what they did. Both were fully dressed. Luckily Anna brought extra clothes with her. "You go on ahead. I need to rest my legs first." Anna giggled.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'll be fine." Anna assured him.

"Okay. I'll meet you in town." Kristoff said, giving her one more kiss. Then he ran off smiling. Anna couldn't help but smile at him while he left. She sighed and lay back under the morning sun. She was happy. She found TRUE love. And that's a word I never use.

"So this is what real love feels like."

"I'll say." Said a familiar voice, which made Anna gasp in horror. She quickly sat up and stared in wide-eyed horror who it was. It was her ex-boyfriend. Hans. "Long time no see." Han smirked sinisterly down at her. Oh boy! She was fucked!

* * *

Back at Elsa and Anna's apartment, Elsa was all dresses and looking herself in the mirror. She smiled and blushed bright red from the memory of last night with Jack. She knew she was in love with Jack and it made her smile. Elsa wondered if they could have sex again but all that could wait as she was making her way to see Jack's gunfight. But as soon as she opened the door she gasped in wide-eyed shock to see Pitch.

"A hunter always finds his prey." Pitch said to her. Elsa was trembling in her shows as Pitch pointed his gun at her. "Ready to die, my little prey?" She was fucked.

* * *

Meanwhile out in the town square, Jack was surprisingly the first one to appear. Everyone was all gathered around to see this gunfight. Even Rapunzel, Hiccup, Merida, Astrid, Bunny and Tooth. Kristoff ran into the crowd making it just in time to see the gunfight. Everyone waited with anticipation.

"Where's Elsa and Anna?" Jack mouthed to his friends. They just shrugged not knowing. Just then what seemed like forever, Flynn finally showed up. Yet he was walking up funny, like he was either still asleep, drunk off his rocker, or high off his ass. With each step Flynn took, it looked like he was going to fall to the ground. Jack noticed this too as he saw Flynn's face. He looked like a massive wreck. His face looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Flynn's stomach starting rumbling. The effects of the turbo lax still haven't died down.

"Well, now, I didn't think you'd show, frosty." Flynn said with a little crack in his voice, showing his gun.

"Yeah, listen, Flynn..." Jack said. But Flynn put his hand up as Flynn felt an urge to dump a shit load of shit. So he quickly ran over a tree, went behind it, quickly dropped his pants, and let loose. He was shitting bricks like crazy. Everyone gasped and gawked in shock, covering their noses from the nasty stench. Rapunzel herself felt like she was going to pass out or vomit from the stench of shit. Geez! I think I smell it from here. After that Flynn breathed normally. He was done. Or at least he thought he did when he felt another urge. Luckily for him there was another tree next to that one. So he quickly ran over to that one and let loose ANOTHER shit load of shit. Jesus Elsa how much turbo lax did you give him!? Even Jack felt sorry for Flynn. FINALLY he was done. The lax effects finally ended.

"Holy shit. You all... You all done?" Jack asked in concern.

"I'm good." Flynn nodded.

"Okay." Jack said. So both men took their positions.

"Draw!" Flynn said. So both men did. They drew out their guns and pulled the triggers. However because Flynn was off his rocker he misses. Jack on the other hand hits his target. And that target was Flynn's gun. This caused Flynn to drop his gun. Everyone gasped in awe at the tremendous skills Jack displayed. Rapunzel herself was in shock that Flynn would lose. Hiccup, Merida, Astrid, Kristoff, Bunny and Tooth were in awe too. Jack had won. Flynn was trembling in, shock, fear and disbelief. He couldn't believe he'd lose. But then…

"Listen, Flynn." Jack said, putting away his gun. "She's all yours." Jack then turned to Rapunzel. "Rapunzel, you know, I really do care about you. But, I don't know, somewhere along the line I guess I just forgot that a relationship is a two-way street. And I've been reminded recently of what it's like to have somebody care about me. And I like it. So, if you want to spend the rest of your life with a pussy full of hair, I say, go with whatever God you're worshiping and best of luck to you." And with that Jack left, leaving Rapunzel with scoffing face. But then he came running back. "You know, I just realized that last joke might not have been clear. I didn't mean that she has a hairy pussy. I meant that Flynn has a goatee, so, you know, he gets hair in her when he goes down there. Yeah." And with that, Jack left once again, while imitating gunfire.

"I got it." Snotlout called out, smiling.

"Of course you do." Ruffnut groaned.

* * *

 **Chapter 8 complete! So there we have it folks. Jack won!... In a way… I guess. Fuck it, I don't know. But what about the girls? Are they captured or are they dead? Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**

 **NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.**

 **WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.**

* * *

 **Chapter 9: The hunter is in town**

Jack made his way to Elsa's apartment. He was going to tell her how he really feels about her. He walked inside and made his way to Elsa's room. He knocked first just to be polite.

"Elsa?" He called through the door. But when he went inside, she wasn't there. The bed was empty and well made and her blue dress was lying on the chair in the corner. Jack was confused and he wondered where she is and where we left?

* * *

Jack walked into the BTB and to his friends.

"Coward." Said a rude regular.

"Thank you." Jack said shrugging it off and ignoring him. He made his way to the usual table where his friends sit. "She's not there." Jack said to them taking a seat.

"Well, I'm sure she's okay." Hiccup said positively.

"I don't understand. We've been prepping for this gunfight for a week. She wouldn't just not show up." Jack said still confused.

"Same with Anna." Kristoff said. "She was suppose to show up too."

"Hey, do you... Do you think you guys are gonna have sex?" Hiccup said bluntly.

"Uh actually we did." Jack said timidly.

"Same here." Kristoff said. This made his friends reacted in wide-eyed awe.

"Really!?" Werida said.

"You manly studs! Good for you!" Astrid congratulated him.

"Wait! Don't tell me you had sex with Anna on the exact same night!" Jack said to his brother.

"Y-Yeah…" Kristoff said blushing.

"Alright, mate! Congrats!" Aster said patting Kristoff on the back.

"Wow! Never knew you had it in you." Jack said.

"Me neither." Kristoff agreed.

"Hey, you know what? I had an idea." Hiccup said. "Next time when you do, let us know because maybe we can make it an all-us-friends thing. You know, we can all get in sync together, sexually."

"Babe, not so fast." Astrid said.

"Sorry." Hiccup said.

"Hey Merida. This calls for a victory fuck. Let's go." Astrid said getting up.

"Right behind you girl." Merida said following her upstairs.

"They keep my head on straight." Hiccup chuckled. But their happy moment was interrupted by the ominous entering of Kosmotiz Pitchinder Black. Everyone stopped and freeze in pure fright at the site of one of the most dangerous men on the dead planet. When he and his men approached everyone backed away in horror. "Kosmotiz Pitchinder Black." Hiccup whispered in horror.

"Great. Look at this. Another thing that can kill us. Pitch Black himself." Jack said in horror too. "We should all just wear coffins as clothes."

"Shh."

"Somebody in this shithole of a city is going to die." Pitch announced to everyone. "Reason why? Well you should know better by now. I am a hunter. I hunting is an exciting sport."

"Look Pitch, take your business else where." Tooth said in a warning stern voice.

"Oh I will." Pitch said. "But after I find my next game. One of my boys saw two men kissing my prey last night. I want to know who it was so I welcome them and congratulate them on becoming a part of my list of prey to hunt." Pitch said smiling with excitement psychopathically.

"Oh, man!" Hiccup whispered in horror.

"Somebody's gonna get fucked up." Jack reacted too.

"Now, you all seem like good folk. And good folk know better than to take what isn't theirs." Pitch said. "And these..." Pitch then whistled singling his boys to bring in a captured Elsa and Anna. Both Jack and Kristoff stared in utter shock. "These are my game. However I decided to make the hunting game better by prolonging their lives to find these two men so that they can be part of the hunt. I kill them first then kill the girls next. That is off course AFTER my boys have their way with them." Pitch explained this sinisterly. "So, I'm going to ask one more time." Pitch said drawing out his gun. "Who was it? Mmm? Who?" Pitch said pointing to a speechless man. Pitch just shot him dead for good measure. Everyone gasps in horror. "Just for the record, that man counts as my kill. Now, you make sure they gets this message. Either they meet me outside in the main thoroughfare at noon tomorrow or I start killing more people. All right? Either way, this is going to be fun." Pitch smiled as he left, his boy followed dragging poor Elsa and Anna.

"Jack you were right, you gotta get out of here." Hiccup said.

* * *

Jack and Kristoff were already driving their car back to their neighborhood to get their family packing and out of Safe Haven City.

* * *

Meanwhile Pitch had his men set up camp in the outskirts of the city. They parked their cars over the grassy field and pile out.

"Boys, there's an abandoned sod house back around that bend." Pitch said to his men. "We'll stash the gold there. Kai, you take the men and set up camp. Hans you watch the girls. I think you deserve some alone time with your wife."

"Got it, Pitch." Hans smirked sinisterly.

"Let's go, boys. Come on!" Pitch said walking ahead, his boys following. Hans was left alone with Elsa and Anna. Immediately Hans assaulted them. What an asshole!

"Who was it? Huh?" Hans demanded.

"H. P. Lovecraft." Elsa spat.

"What? Who the fuck is that?"

"Jesus. How fucking stupid are you?" Anna spat too. Apparently completely this made Hans angry so he pulled out his gun at them. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!"

"Who?" Hans demanded "I'm not gonna ask you again. Who?" You just did, dumbass!

"Okay, it's... It's Sheriff Woody and Buzz." Elsa said. "But please, please, please. I'm begging you. Don't hurt them, okay?"

"After all the lovely years we've been together you think I don't know when you're lying?" Hans said unimpressed. Guess he's not that much of a dumbass.

"She's not." Anna said. Just then their was barking in the distance. It was Olaf running towards them.

"Olaf." Hans smiled down at him. "Tell me who it is or Olaf gets warm hug from the Devil."

"Come on, Hans." Anna said.

"You think I'm joking?" Hans said pointing the gun at Olaf.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, okay." Elsa gave in.

"Who?" You just asked again, dumbass!

"It's Jackson Overland Frost." Elsa said.

"And Kristoff Bjorman Frost." Anna added.

"Frost Brothers." Hans deduced. "That's better." He then pointed the gun at Elsa. "You sit quietly over there. Go." Elsa backed away and sat on the ground, begrudgingly. Then turned to Anna "I've been keeping it nice and soft." He said to Anna, gesturing about his hand. "See?" Hans brushed his hand against Anna's cheek. "I've missed you, baby. Oh, I've missed you a lot." Hans then began to undress himself in front of a horror struck Anna. "The longer the ride, the lonelier a man gets. And he needs the comforting touch of the woman he loves to soothe his tired bones." Elsa slowly moved around Hans and grabbed a large rock to hit Hans with. "And now, I'm here, you're here, and we have time to be husband and wife. The proper way."

"Hey, asshole." Elsa said behind him. Hans turned around only to be met with Elsa swinging the rock at his head. Hans fell to the ground unconscious with his pants down showing his-OH GAWD! FUCK YOU FANFICTION, FUCK YOU! I HAVE A HARD ENOUGH TIME READING THIS FUCKED UP WORLD! YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME HIS ASS!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Anyway, Elsa and Anna both ran together and stole Hans' car. But before they left…

"Oh, shit." Elsa groaned. "We can't leave him like that."

"What you mean?" Anna asked. Elsa ran over to near by daisies and picked one. And she, I shit you not, placed the daisy in Hans' asshole!

"That's better." Elsa said.

"Nice." Anna giggled. The girls and Olaf piled in the car and drove off back to town. They had to warn Jack and Kristoff.

* * *

 **Chapter 9 complete! Pitch has arrived and Jack and Kristoff are now in deep waters! Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)**


End file.
